Moving forward

to keepmovingforward90.blogspot.com
"90" from 1990, which is the year I was born. Thanks to the person who used the 'keepmovingforward' as the blog name first...

Pretense and Denial

Pretense and Denial... they are instilled in me. Whatever thing my desire want me to do is continuously denied. Now that my desires are denied, who am I? Reason for denial? It's no good for my future. So I want to be good in the future and therefore decided to deny that desire? That's it. Because I want to have the best future possible. Which is a very crude statement. A good future is never certain. Despite these denials, I still do not know whether i can have a good future. What's the use of denial then? It does not end right after the denial! Deny it and do something else that is more fruitful. Concluded? Yes. Therefore, in conclusion, do something more useful!

Revive...

7am In the morning, and what am I doing? I could not sleep all night. Well, to tell you the truth I was playing an online game until 5am in the morning. I planned to sleep and wake up at 9am to do my Extended Essay data collection, but the plan failed. I got distracted by my long nails, and then a magazine, and then the online game that I left on. I decided, I'm not going to sleep until 9am and then I'll proceed with my EE.

Yes, it is the revival of my blog after more than a month period of silence. Reason for revival? I am tired of unreflective days. I want to break up from the trend of playing online games all day long, go to sleep, and play games again. I really want to break out of the deadly trend. Basically, it is days of hallucination and delusions.

I have been through a lot of things. I finished my exam. I survived through the days of post-exam 'activities'. I spent most of those days doing things like this. Staying awake until the next morning, and sleep all the way in my classroom. The planning for the overseas trip to Vietnam has started too. 35. 10 points away from perfection, which I can never reach if I follow this kind of screwed up lifestyle.

Makes me kinda wonder. Is there anything that I can do to open up my eyes permanently? Games are my main concern now... I'm losing myself now. I'm getting quite sleepy... However, I shall continue.

Well... pause... pause... pause... pause...

Oh, I heard a breaking news. It's not so hot, it was breaking, but I was simple enough not to heard about it. Someone in Secondary 4 was expelled because he attempted to fake a tragic story to distract his competitors. It's funny, surprising, shocking, etc etc. I mean, how can a person do such a revolutionary thing? He gets a revolutionary reason for expulsion too, of course. It's very lame... Getting expelled for a plot... He was very smart too... wasted. wasted.. wasted..

Well, it's none of my business anyway.

My brother finally got a girlfriend! After years of celibacy he finally got one. The funny thing is, he phoned me just to tell me that he officially has a girlfriend. it must be something really thrilling, I guess.

Anyway... I was watching a Japanese show. Great Teacher Onizuka. It's an awesome show, I think. Onizuka is a real man. He does not pretend to hide his true self. He says what he wants to say. A very radical, non-conformist man. He's quite inspiring, I guess. I, the Great Pretender, must learn a few things from such teacher, if he ever exists...

and I am falling asleep... Good night...

The Breaking Point+++

(snap...)

Yeah, it's the breaking point. How long has it been since I posted the last post? a few weeks, I suppose. That's because I'm back to my obsession of online games and stupid stuff like that. It turned out that I'm not that strong anyway. So, why the sudden urge to post something anyway? Erm... I guess today, or rather, yesterday was a special day. It's one of my best friends' birthday. I do not know what she might think of me at the moment, but at least I still think of her as a good childhood friend that I possibly can never forget. The other factor that leads to me accessing my blog is because I took a sip of coffee and I can not sleep now. I'm using my iPod as timer. 60 minutes of blogging and I'll go to sleep.

In a few hours time I will be having my maths test. I have a feeling that I'll screw it up. Over.
In a few hours time, I will be free from exams but will be burdened by other things. Over.
I felt clueless just a few hours ago, so that is why today is another breaking point. Clueless of what I actually want to do. Why am I doing the things that I'm currently doing? These kind of questions you know... I still do not know the answers to these questions, but anyway...
Oh, and I have a feeling that I am a failure in every aspects. I always thought that I have some academic capabilities, but the results of this examination will obviously prove it to be wrong. Worse still, I am a failure as a social being. I do not make friends easily and I do not particularly attract others as I do not have outstanding qualities like others do. So, this unwanted being is mourning over his failure in everything.

Those thoughts arise from the fact that my roommates for next year is still undecided, and my friends seem to... avoid me. Like he does not want me to be his roommate. He did not even ask me. It hurts me a lot cos I thought he is the only friend I have, and it turned out that he favours a certain people more than me. Makes me feel more and more unwanted. Unwanted. Unwanted. UNWANTED!!!! Sigh... Might as well die now and not a thing will change. I always have this thought in a small corner of my mind. "Might as well die now". The resolve to that is clear. Make yourself useful and get wanted. Counter argument: Till when?

Go to sleep and forget about all these, be born anew when you wake up.
Hahahahahahahahah <---- The conspirator's laugh...

Give Up

The title tells everything...
Let me die...

Oh, do not worry, you'll still see me tomorrow simply because this guy does not even have the guts to do anything reckless.

What's the point?

That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.

I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.

I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.

I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.

What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?

As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden

It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.

Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.

Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.

Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!

"Some guys have all the luck..."

This is just one of my favourite song, sung by Rod Stewart. I find the lyrics quite striking and true... here goes...

Chorus:
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain

Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
And I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me

(chorus)

Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
She was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky

(chorus)

All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say

(chorus)

But if you were here with me
Id feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just cant let you say goodbye

Yeah, i find the lyrics quite true, and me being the unlucky one. There's no use complaining, but complaining for a bit gives you a sense of relieve. So, I'm complaining...

Just another day...

... or rather a failed day.

I did my IOP today and it was all messed up. It was bad beyond all my expectations. Sigh... At least it is now over, and I can forget about it. The next presentation is coming my way, the Theory of Knowledge presentation. I don't want to talk about it here.

Oh, I get to talk to one of the most hated individuals in the hostel. Well, indeed, he is not very lovely. No wonder not many likes him, and worse still he does not seem to care about his position. I wish him good luck, then. As to why he is not so lovely, I'm not sure why. It is possible that my perception of him is biased thanks to the gossips and rumors that I heard about him. I try not to take all this unreliable information personally, but I can not guarantee that my perception is not affected at all. Yeah... Human... Simply human...

I re-learned meditation, thanks to my maths teacher...
I started the stock challenge thingy, it's fun...
Tomorrow, I will be jogging with a teacher too...
Good nite

Through the rain...

Today is probably the most happening day of the holiday. I was jogging for around 3 to 4 km just to get my bike which was parked in an unknown place due to the rain on the day before. It seems that the Gods/God have something against me riding my bicycle back to my hostel... Yeah, it rained again. This time, I am trapped at a small bus stop that barely sheltered me from the rain. Worse still it was so windy that I was completely wet after an hour or so under the 'shelter'.

So... Under the shelter, at first, I was alone and I cursed the skies (or Gods, sorry) for making me feel that They/He have something against me. Then a Malay couple came to seek shelter from the storm. It seemed that they did not bring a set of raincoat. I just smiled at them, and that is the first and last communication with them. Then came and Indian man, who was going to walk towards his safe haven. Alas, he was trapped too! I talked to him for some time (I must be out of my mind). He even showed me a Bollywood videos from his phone. I could do nothing other than trying to appreciate his video, and try to show my appreciation by asking some question and showing some awe. Yep, that's who I am anyway, the great pretender. Still, I find the encounter quite interesting. We don't know each other and yet we became 'friend'. I doubt I will ever see him again, though. Few Chinese men came too, but we did not talk much, or rather we ignored each other. At least I showed some kind of concern to the last Chinese guy under the 'shelter'.

It's kind of coincidental that all races were represented in that short occurence. I guess it's just a coincidence. Anyway... as the storm faded away and turned into a light rain, I decided to continue my journey. I thought that it was pointless to keep myself dry, thanks to the 'shelter'. So... under the rain... I went kind of berserk. It was a different sensation, you know. It was so freakin cold, and my visibility is greatly reduced thanks to the raindrops falling into my eyes (I thought I should have brought my swimming goggles along). It was refreshing, really. Then I visited a buddhist temple, a real buddhist temple with little or no influence of taoism. I was shocked to witness how families with cars offered to give others a ride to nearby MRT station. I thought, "At last, a scene of kindness in a crazy world". Then, as I saw the Buddha figure in the temple, I suddenly felt like thanking the Gods/God for allowing me to experience something new, so that I can learn from it. Other human beings are dying as I cursed the Gods/God for their/His lack of fairness towards me. I guess I was being selfish then. Bah... A natural human response to mishappenings. I'm human. I'm not about to get enlightenment. Still, as I reflect on ththose figures, I requested for Wisdom and Courage. The two things that i need the most currently. I could not request for more than that (like good grades for exam), it's just too raw, too selfish, and crude. Then I rode my bike back to my hostel, still under the light rain.

I am wondering if it is possible for one to die of exhaustion. Failed attempts to kill oneself by exhaustion will result in lower probability of dying of exhaustion in the future as the body become more conditioned to exhasution. Thus, if it is even possible to die of exhasution, one should do it once and for all. Random, huh?

Here I am now, in my room, trying to recall the occurences that happened a few hours ago. Thinking that no one will actually bother to read the whole post and comment on it, I am considering to stop. However, since there is a higher probability that visitors will read the last paragraph, I shall leave something to think about. For everything, give thanks. No matter how shitty it may be, be glad that you are not dying like those starving populace in Africa.

Just another day

My biological clock should be in a mess now. I only started to sleep 9 am in the morning today, and I did not sleep the night before. Anyways, I was riding my bicycle from my brother's place back to my hostel early in the morning, when suddenly... rain came down upon the earth... Which is bad... I had to park my bike to a sheltered and foreign place. Of course, I'll get it back tomorrow, but I fear it may be stolen by someone. Let's hope it's not stolen...

So... It's just another day. I woke up from sleep at 4.30pm and subconsciously decided to do my Economics Internal Assessment. I was surprised how I suddenly start to do my work.

Anyways... Lately I have been thinking about random scenarios, for randomness' sake. I remember none... Sigh... That is why I sometimes wish I have a thoughts logger.

Apart from a long sleep, nothing else was happening. What a wasted day... As I look back to today's occurrences, I think that my life is like a slow roller coaster. Things are so slow, stagnant, unchanging. That is why I also wish for the Doomsday to come ASAP.

Bah...

Bah....

I'm at my limit today. I can read and read my textbook but I can tell that I'm not getting any closer to my target. So what's the point? Then What is it that i should do at times like this? It's irritating, really.

Where did Free Will go? While I seem to have free will all the time, but due to social restrictions and norms, I can never take those possible choices.

Bah... What a day!

Unchanging...

I can only say change do not come so easily. We human want to be at the safer, old side. Bah. I reinstalled my game and found myself playing for hours. Funny, huh? The rationale was...

Me : Get a life, myself!
Myself : How?
Me : do something useful for once.
Myself : I have no motivation
Me : Then do something to get motivation!
Myself : that would be....
Me : you don't say...
Myself and Me : Video Games!!!
Myself : Perhaps by playing games for a short while I can get my motivation back
Me : Ok, let's give it a try...

Few hours later....
(To be exact, a few minutes ago...)

Myself and Me : FAILED!!!!!!!!
Me : Time to uninstall the game.
Myself : agreed... It does not yield the suspected result
Me : Yup, basically you were lazy...
Myself : yeah, time to uninstall then...

The end, they did not live happily ever after.

Yeah, that's more or less what happened in my mind. Today was a failure. The most happening thing that I did today was... watching prefects camp and get entertained. Not exactly entertained... It just makes me kinda see how I could possibly be if only I have taken a certain path. However, I obviously did not take that path. So here I am now, being the current me, with all the possibilities and probabilities of myself only living in parallel worlds, if such things exist.

I have way too many labels. If only I can delete some of them...

"A few days worth" post

28th August
I can only remember that i was DYING for holiday.

29th August
While there should be lesson at school, despite the teacher's day celebration, I did not have any lesson. I pity my Chinese B comrades who had to go through a Chinese lesson though. I heard that their teacher is not... nice. I was hunting high and low for a teacher to give her a teacher's day present too, it's not something worth reading (then why the hell am I posting it here?). I slept throughout the afternoon.

30th August
I BOUGHT an iPod at Comex at slightly cheaper price of 365 S$. I failed to paste the free screen protector properly. Therefore, I need to purchase another set of screen protector that will cost around 12S$. Effectively, my iPod costs 377 S$, with only 11 S$ difference from the normal price.
That's all there is to note for this day

31st August
Bloody hell, I completed 10km run!!! I dun remember running non-stop, but I remember that I did not stop at all. Due to the overwhelming response to the mass run, all of us had difficulty running at the starting area. There were just too many people. Regardless, it was a good run. I drank a total of 1 litres of 100+, free of charge. I was given a pack of biscuit too. Apart from the sense of achievement, that's all there is for the day...

1st September
Sigh... I had a CCA meeting today and my committee received a bad scolding from the teacher in charge. It's partly because of me. I did not do things that I should have done. I was not initiative enough to do things on my own. I have no intention to rebuke those charges against me. What a lousy day... Well at the least all of us in the comittee had a renewed sense of responsibility after the scolding, and had a fruitful meeting after that.

I consider today a wasted day. Apart from the scolding and the meeting, and the discovery of someone's blog, nothing else was happening. Why not make it useful now... Right... Okay... Time to study...

Just another day...

Well... This is just a post about another ordinary day with slight turbulence here and there. Today, my teacher left the class earlier than it should be, and she was not aware of it. Basically, the whole class agreed to let her be as they were all tired of the subject already. They all pleaded to me not to tell her that her lesson is not over yet, as I'm usually the one who acts as the 'model student'. Still, this occurrence makes me realise the fact that in our modern society, there is always conspiracy of the masses. If 95% of the members of the class agree to let her be deceived, then it shall be the case. Yes... Conspiracy of the masses. How about democracy system in governments all around the world? Sigh...

Besides, for every right thing that I fight for, I become more and more aware of my hypocritical self. By fighting for the right thing, am I not indirectly saying that I am always fighting for the right thing? Otherwise, I'm being biased and unreliable as I only fight for the right thing only when a certain conditions are met. Thus, assuming I'm not biased, I should be fighting for every single right thing in the world.

However, that is not the case. I'm a human being who is driven by emotions, thus I'm biased and unreliable to a certain degree towards different things. Being aware of the fact that I am biased and my actions are driven by passions, and still fighting for the right thing makes me a hypocrite, right? I am aware that I cannot fight for every single right thing. It is beyond my ability as a human being, yet I'm fighting for the right thing anyway. I can not even confirm if my action this time is not driven by passion. How ironic is that? This concept is hard to explain. I'm not even sure if I grasp it already.

The essence of the problem here is, do I have the right to fight for the right thing when I myself am not perfectly right?
Can someone who is not perfectly honest fight for honesty?
Can someone who is not perfectly just fight for justice?
Indeed, it is written... "Do not judge others, for you will be judged by God"
Still, if an imperfect being, knowing that he/she can not be completely perfect, can not fight for perfection, then who will fight for perfection?

I'll rephrase it again...

Does someone, who is aware that he/she can never be perfectly right, have the right to fight for righteousness?
If not, then who does? If no one can be perfectly right, then can perfect righteousness ever be reached?
Perhaps this is why perfection can never be reached. No one ever have the idea of perfection. Perfection is beyond our measure, beyond our understanding. Then what is the point for striving for perfection if no one can ever reach perfection?

Confusing...

Oh, the plan for coffee overdose failed. The caffeine content of the coffee served in the morning is just too low such that in order to achieve caffeine overdose, you'll have to gulp down at least 7 large cups of coffee. So... It's not possible.

I'm also wondering if anyone ever reads my post now that my blog and my identity is revealed to some people... To anyone who happens to read this post, comments will be greatly appreciated. Just leave a remark about my thoughts... "whatever..." will do if you don;t feel like thinking at all. i just want to know if anyone reads this post at all...

Coffee!!!

Coffee is the most wonderful thing ever invented by human.
Feeling sleepy? just grab a cup of coffee and you are good to go.
I'll try to overdose myself with coffee tomorrow, just for the fun of it.

Still....

Still... If things are so futile and temporary, why bother?
Still... I am waiting for someone who shares the same thoughts as me.
Still... I'm tired of hearing "I do not want to think anymore".
Still... I'm lonely.
Still... Ignorance is all around.

Now that I have much less distractions to do work, I have problem getting the motivation to work.

In case you are wondering why I name myself the Great Pretender...
It's because I think I am seen as a pretender. Or perhaps I am, indeed, a pretender. Personally, I do not think I am a pretender, but what if I am actually a pretender, who is pretending to myself that I am not pretender? Complicated, huh?

Let's see... today... is just one of those ordinary days.
No bombs. No gunshots. No assassinations. Not around me at least.
Perhaps, a bomb exploded somewhere as I type out this post.
Well, it has nothing to do with me or this post, actually...

Seriously, why is nothing happening? I kinda wish that I am fighting in a war, you know! At least true friendships can be made during such time.

This post is disjointed, don't you think?

Identity

My Identity..... revealed..... to some people only at least...

Day 002

Maybe I should stop counting the number of days, it's lame

I had TOK Focus day which, in my opinion, was a waste of time as the matters brought up to my group discussion were not resolved. At least I came to realise the problem of definition that exists in such discussions. The problem of definitions must be resolved before the discussion even starts so that the participants will not have to digress to the same problem over and over again. Sigh... What am I saying here is a waste of your time.

I'm tired now. Why am I tired? I do not know why.
I updated my facebook information, but I do not think that is necessary at all, as my pessimistic mind tells me that no one's going to read my profile anyway. Everyone has their own friend, and those who prefers to be approached, people like me, should go and live a lonely life forever and ever, AMEN. This pessimistic mind bugs me a lot. It's just my nature. Especially when I am in a bad mood like now, my pessimistic mind will play more part in my course of thinking.

Oh, and I read about terrorism in India, how Indian Muslims are offended by the lack of concern shown by the officials regarding the 2002 Indian Muslim massacre. Seriously, I do not care about this. All I think about now is the stupidity of human. How idiotic they can become. Seriously, I think people should really start to think carefully about their actions. Fighting for religion, in my opinion is absurd! What the hell do you gain from those fights? Glory for your religion? So be it, but what do you sacrifice at the expense of that glory? Ah, screw it all. Why do you need religion, HAH? Worse still, you are all forgetting the fundamental reason why religions are created? What is that fundamental reason, I wonder? Isn't it love? Isn't it peace? Has it been created so that people can fight for its TEMPORARY glory? Everything is temporary! Why bother?

Oh, "Everything is temporary; why bother?". This is one of my formulated quote. It makes me feel this life, or everyone's lives, are pointless. Our existence, aren't they pointless? The mere reason why we have to exist is questionable? Why do we have to exist? Shouldn't we end the sufferings of mankind by ending them all? Just like getting rid of stain in a piece of cloth by throwing it away together with the stain. Has anyone mentioned that human need to exist for the universe to go on? Then why is it that we want to exist so badly?

Oh, and Christians think that we exist so as a prove of God's glory. Our existence is to glorify God. If this is true, then isn't God a selfish being? Why the hell did He create us, helpless creatures, just to glorify him? Oh perhaps we are never intended to think the way we do now. Thanks to Adam and Eve who ate the fruit of knowledge! If only they did not eat the fruit, then we could have lived a simpler life, similar to that of the rest of animals in the world. Ignorance is bliss. Had they not eaten the fruit of knowledge, we could have been ignorant of our surrounding and be happy! Screw them for giving birth to our ancestors who eventually give birth to us, that we, the residue of their sexual pleasure, must endure the pain and suffering of the world. This is just a criticism on human existence according to Christianity.

You see, our existence is rather futile. Why bother to exist? Let's be optimistic for a while, shall we? We have no choice but to exist. We have two choices on how to live our life. One, do not bother about it and live an empty, drifting life. Two, we might as well make full use of this life and gain as much as possible since we can not choose not to exist anyway. The second option is the optimistic view about life, of course. However, we sometimes forget about the fact that we do not necessarily need to strive for meaningful life. Striving for a meaningful/good life is just one of the two possible options. Why is it that we tend to forget about this? Hope! Hope is the thing! We always have hopes about better tomorrow, better life, etc. Redding in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" said "Hope, my young friend, is a dangerous thing". It's true to a certain degree. Hope makes us delusional sometimes. However, hope is also the reason why we strive for a meaningful life, isn't it?

This blog can go on forever. I'm even tired of talking to myself now. Again, my pessimistic mind tells me that no one will be bothered to read this discussion anyway. This is one of those things that we, humans, take for granted. If we can be happy with an assumed reasons to live, why bother questioning? I can't help but to think that most of us think according to this statement. Ignorance is bliss after all. Suddenly, this common phrase appears to my mind very frequently nowadays. We, the ignorant beings, are happy, but behind those happiness, there exists foul and corrupted situations that we choose to forget about. When will this delusion end?
When?
When?
When?

This questions, by the way, has been bugging me all this time. It is the fundamental question of human existence which answer probably lies beyond my understanding. However, just like a mathematical graph approaches an asymptote, I'm helplessly striving for that asymptote, that limit too. Ironical, isn't it? that I who is disgusted by hope, have hopes to reach the unreachable. It's just human...

Day 001

Wow, I survived the day
However, I did not do as much as I expected last night or this morning. Still there is one less reason not to do anything related to work. And this one reason is the most deadly and useless of all the possible reasons.

I jogged 7 rounds. I wanted to make it 10 but I was carrying an MP3 player which is quite a burden, and the fact that I'm carrying it means that I risked its working life by drenching it with sweat. I thought of listening to the "Anisong" while I run, and I realised that a special type of earphone is required to do the job. My previous rubberised earphone stopped working because of, presumably, this kind of jog. You may ask (whoever 'you' is...) why I am running at 10pm. The reason is because I'm participating in the Nike+ human race. It's going to be 10 kilometers! So I need to familiarise myself with such long distance running. I ran 20 rounds last week, quite an achievement. I was inspired (or challenged) by my "oh-so-perfect" friend, although I confess that I can never reach him. He is sooooooo far away...

I shaved for the first time today, and it was so much fun. Can't wait to do it again next time! I now look slightly younger with a mustache-less face.

Yeah, that's it for today. I better go to sleep or prepare my IOP already. Adios...

Yeah Done Now

Let's see, this is my first post in August, and it is posted at the end of the month. Funny, isn't it?
Last night, at 3am, I deleted Most of my games. If I ever played any of those 'dormant' games that I left untouched for years, I will deleted them as well. I should have done this months ago. Granado Espada was the newest game I downloaded, and hopefully the last one I'm addicted to. Bloody hell, those games act like opium/drugs. Makes you feel... peaceful, I think. It makes you ignorant of your surroundings, thus, based on the famous saying "Ignorance is bliss", you will get bliss that is temporary, and dangerous too. It eats up your life without you being aware of it.

After the revolutionary personal breakthrough, I watched this anime titled "5 cm per second". It is about two distant young lovers (and I mean, young) and how their love developed over the years. Well, the story ended up sadly. They did not even get to see each other again, and they have lives of their own. Watching this anime makes me think of my childhood. All I could see was GAMES. I mourned over my unloving life. I nearly cried, or perhaps I did. I'm 18 years old, yet I'm as clueless as a newborn baby. The candle has burnt for 18 years, veiled, unaware of its surrounding. Last night I tore the veil up! I want to be new. The agent for regret is now gone. I'm not planning to subscribe to another. So... Where do I go from here?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
....... I do not know, yet the clock is still ticking away, mercilessly, while I'm walking without apparent direction. Time is so merciless. Why won't you slow down for a while?

Oh, when I read other people's blog, I realised that blog can be used as a "what-you-did-today" thing. It's just something that I never knew about. Oh, and they write about the happenings of the day with their friends. As for me... all the happenings are in my head, and I experience them alone. Even if there are happenings with my friends (If I have one, that is) my brain will reject it as something so important to go to my blog. I guess that shows that I place no importance in my friends, which makes me friendless even now. Looool. This is just me. At this rate, I'll become a writer or a philosopher, or any of those things that isolated and lonely people do.

I would like to thank whoever or whatever that gives me the courage to do what I did last night. Please help me to hold on to a game-less life.

Ignorance is Bliss

Hi, I'm suddenly turned on again, along with this blog of mine.
Well, today is a very depressing day, you know... My proposals for Physics Extended Essays are all rejected. I am not sure if it is because they are not good enough, or is it because my supervisor's standard is too high, or even both. I do not know. I can never know. Who can? It's the same bottomless pit, again. How do you know anyway? My belief in maths' theory was broken too. I suddenly discovered an uncertainty when my friend asked my a question about the topic. I discovered how foolish I have been all this time, believing that I have mastered the subject. Silly me...

As you can see from the title of this post, "Ignorance is Bliss", I am going to talk about this famous saying. I was pondering over this statement during my depression induced by rejections from my physics Extended Essay supervisor. It was painful blow, I think. Anyway, back to my reflection on this statement. You are blissful when you ignore things that you should need to worry about. By ignoring these matters, you will believe that everything is going on well and you are in full control of everything. You will have peaceful mind when you make yourself believe that there is nothing to be worried about. So, ignorance gives rice to unawareness of things to worry about, which leads to peaceful mind. It's deception of your own mind. It works like those drugs that people sell for high prices. These drugs give the users bliss. So, truly, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is peacefulness. For those that thinks that peacefulness is the same as happiness, then ignorance can also mean happiness.

If that is true, then I never actually bother to try to achieve happiness. I always worry about things, so as to ensure that I'm not left behind, to make sure that I'm aware of everything. So, I do not want to be ignorant, at all cost! That's me. I never want to achieve peacefulness, cos there is no such thing as peacefulness in this crazy world. There will never be peace, unless we choose to ignore things and create our virtual peacefulness. Or perhaps, this is the peace that people are talking about all this time. The ability to deceive yourself, to make yourself believe that things are going on the way it should be, this is probably what is required in order to achieve peace. Sigh... Then I shall say goodbye to peace. Peace is not for me, yet...

It's getting late, and I need to do some more things on the play, Hedda Gabler. I hate her the most, by the way. She deserves death for being so defiant for no apparent reason.

Good nite

WHAT IS WITH MOBILE ONE SINGAPORE!!! THEY SURE LIKE TO EXPLOIT THEIR CUSTOMERS, DON'T THEY?

It's been so looooooong....

Yup, It's been soooo long since the last time I post something on my blog.
I thought it's gonna die.

For this post, I'm not going to press enter too many times.

Anyways... My birthday was like any other days. Actually, there was something going on. It was the Interact Club Executive Committee Installation day. It's nothing special really... My saturday morning was burned off with anxiety though. What a birthday. Well, what makes holidays any better than any other days anyway? Isn't it, logically speaking, the same as any other day. What makes a day, or a period of time, so special is the emotional attachment to it. Yeah. I do not know if it is Buddhist teachings that I'm following, or is it my indifference, I always try to restrain myself from creating emotional attachments unnecessarily. I think it's not beneficial. I think... Well, people argues that even though it is not long-lasting, creating emotional attachments by making friends will benefit you emotionally. However, I'm naturally unapproachable, or unattractive, or indifferent, or all of them... That's my natural self. It's hard to change.

I received a camera as my birthday present, Hoooooray. I took a nice picture of school compounds during sunset today. These nice views are always close to me, but I never get to realise its presence. Ironic, huh? I tried to capture the beauty of the sight that i saw with my camera. Still, that picture that I captured with the camera can not match the view that I saw with my own eyes. Truly, our creator, whoever it is, is awesome! Our eyes can not be matched by any optical gadgets that are made by men. If only we have a camera function in our eyes...

Anyway, starting today, I'm gonna make an expenditure log using Excel. Currently, I'm using a book that used to be my diary. However, it's not neat at all, and a better approach to this matter will be computer software. It's more troublesome, but it's more organised. I better start now. Till next time, my friends. (though no one actually bothered to read my blog, lol)

An Awesome Day, I think....

Today seems to be an awesome day, somehow.
maybe it is because of the fact that there were not many lessons to attend to.
And yet, my homeworks are starting to pile up.
Sigh, what a life....

Let's see... What happened today that makes it so awesome anyway? i went jogging after a long time. I finished my last ration of cereal. I accidentally spilled my milk powder on my study table. I finished more of my practical reports. I cut a few plastic butterflies. I answered someone's question in my class almost perfectly. It looks like another ordinary day.

Hold on! My Japanese Rose plant is BLOOMING, finally!!! After months of fruitless wait, it has finally bloomed today. It's beautiful, I think! All this time, the flower will often die before it can bloom. Maybe it is because of the dry soil? perhaps... I poured too much water into the pot, and when I returned from school I shouted in awe. It's beautiful. I thought it is Japanese Grass, instead of Japanese Rose, since I have never seen the flower. So... Yeah... This is just one of those things that makes today quite awesome.

I've been reading my friend's blog too. I dun have time to read through everything though. We only have 24 hours a day, sadly. We have to deduct the 24 hours by sleeping time, etc. Sigh, physical needs are very infuriating (just to make sure I'm not going to forget the word). It's human limitation that you can not surpass in any way. It's like a chemical reaction, you know. Physical needs are like limiting reagent. No matter how much excess reagent you have, the yield of product is still limited by the limiting reagent. Sigh. Saddening.

What else makes today an awesome day? I went jogging with my friend. I didn't expect it was him when I ran pass him. What the hell, he ran 8km last Saturday. I, on the other hand, was watching the war movies. I dun regret it though. It's worth my time.

Seriously, maybe all I need to kill my suicidal thoughts is a chance to realise how much a life is worth? A war maybe good. Just imagine many of your friends are enlisted to the army, and you are to fight beside him for the war. How cool is that? Well, if that is to happen, I better make use of it. I better find the value of life before I get killed and gone eternally. Thanks to UN, I do not think that will happen anyway.

I'm writing too much, I think. My physical needs are calling me to sleep. I have no choice but to follow them, since I am Human. Good Nite

Not so utter-defeat

Unlike other weekends, this one is slightly more productive.
I finished one practical report. and done a quarter of 3 other practicals.
I finally finished watching the war movie series, "Band of Brothers".
The endings were kind of undramatic though.
I though Richard Dick Winters was gonna die or something
It turned out that they were enjoying themselves in Austria as they wait for Japan to surrender.
Yea, quite disappointing. However, I kind of like it that way. At least, Winters does not have to die.
I think he is my hero.

Anyway...
In one of my posts I mentioned that my dream was over...
It's not gonna happen
Unless..... I'm willing to sacrifice everything for it.
And I mean, everything!!!
If I fail, I will waste one year of my life.
If I try again, I will waste another year of my life, and so on.
Is it worth it?
Has anyone mentioned "What is a life if you do not strive to get what you want?"
I mean, the sacrifices I need to make seem to be too much for me, I think.
And who is there to measure the value of my sacrifices?
No one, I guess...
So... Things that seem to be useless, are they completely useless?
If I'm to study Japanese for fun, is that a waste of time?
Even If I'm not going to Japan at all, does that mean that I should not waste my time doing that extra stuffs?
HOLD ON!!! You can not even complete all your school tasks!
You must prioritize...
Do those things that are important first...
Games are like opium, it lets you drift away. They eat your life away!
How I wish I can remember that fact all the time, T_T

About my future career...
I'm interested with mechanical stuffs.
I think I want to be a Constructional Engineer, or Civic Engineer, or Mechanical Engineer.
Either one of these.
That's it I have decided!!
I dun want to be chemical engineer cos my lifespan will be cut short, so that's out of question.

Just another day...

Today is just another day
I attempted to pass my Physical fitness test but I still failed my standing broad jump and chin up.
I went for a meeting which is basically pointless.
It really tests my patience to tell you the truth.
There is this guy that makes others think that he thinks that he is cool.
Oh please, why the excessive defiance?
I'm even more surprised that this guy has a girlfriend.
Maybe I'm jealous, but, what the hell is in her mind as she date him?
Which part of him is so cool that she likes him so much?
Ah.... This is me in my bitching mood.
This is just a blog so it does not really matter.

And.... I did not do anything much today.
Beside the fact that I learned many things about John Lennon.
Him being in love with a Japanese lady.
It is cool that they illustrate the saying that true love knows no boundary.
But I do not know how they get to love each other so much...
Anyways, it's none of my concern....

I'm sleeping early today... There isn't anything to do.
Even if there is I'm not in the mood of doing it, so...
I also need to wake up early tomorrow to see my teacher in school early in the morning.

I really want to write up more here, but... there isn't much time for me to spend.
i have to go to sleep already...
Nite....

Reflective Jog

I went jogging just now, and I thought maybe what I currently need is a war. It is a situation where I can finally realise the value of my life, if I survive through it, that is. This thought is probably caused by the war movie I watched. It's cool. "Band of Brothers" is cool!!!

Anyway...

I need to go and do my work. A lot of them are overdue. Crap.
Procrastinate some more and I will find myself... in the gallows in front of my principal's office.

A short post indeed.
I was posting a comment on my friend's blog, you see.
So my reflective mood is drained out.
Good nite...

Another defeat

This weekend is another defeat....
I spent my time playing games all day long
I even forgot about my plant
I'm supposed to be responsible for its survival
There I was talking about plant's pain!
Hypocrite, that's what I am...

before the weekend I thought of doing as many work as possible, now here I am regretting what I have done.
So many works undone.
And my walk with Him?
Booooom.....

That's me people
A messed up guy
totally messed up guy

I'm fairly satisfied with my exam result
I didn't fail anything
But I fail this....
Truly, I may need to uninstall these crazy games!

Band of Brothers

I'm thinking of band of Brothers all of a sudden.
I saw different personalities in the movie.
I admire Winters, the leader man.
He is just toooo coool.
He is a real man.
He knows his principles.
He cares for his man.
He is determined.
He is a good, almost perfect, leader.
He has everything that a man want, I'm talking about personalities you know...

However, I see myself as Sobel, the other leader.
He is seen as a very bossy man.
At the beginning of the show, he appears to be very disciplined and experienced military trainer.
However, at the later part of the movie, he shows himself as an incapable leader.
When he does his job, he's jumpy. Very nervous, I mean.
It's like he wants to make everything perfect.
He's not very sensible either.
He's not a good tactician.
he just look good on the outside, but when he start to work with his co-workers, he's starting to show all his incapabilities.
A total opposite of Winters.
It struck me so hard when I see Sobel being 'reassigned' to other job.
I mean... I see myself in him...

Maybe, I need to be more friendly, you know.
How do you become friendly?
I can't even give encouragement to others, fearing that it will be rejected.
I fear that my attempts to be friendly will be rejected, then I'll look like a loser.
I am aware that not trying to do anything at all is worse than failing in my attempt.
Maybe all I need to do is try...
I fear many things, so does Sobel.
I need to overcome my fears...

I mentioned that i will seek God.
I am trying to seek Him once again, you know.
He enlightened me through the book of James.
The first few chapters encourage me to push on with my life.
Is there any need to be depressed?
It's through this struggle that you become stronger.

The end....

Randomise

I think i wrote about the same topic down in my diary.
The Ant and the Grasshopper...
Who says that the Ant will live happily ever after?
Who says that the Grasshopper will die of starvation because he's lazy?
In real life, things never occur the same way these stories do.

A man's worth...
How do you measure it?
How do you know that you are living the right way to be worthy for the society?
All the questions that have been bugging me all this time, they are always about how do one know?

All this time, I have been a coward...
I have been putting up a mask to make myself look good.
But here I am, at my breaking point.
I just do not know who I am and what I want.
It's the breaking point.
What is it that I have been searching for all this time?
I'm trying to find myself again.
The self that has been denied all this time.
It started back in my primary school time.
I was a teacher's doll.
I strive to be what people want me to be.
In secondary 2, I dunno who to follow.
From secondary 3 to now, I've been in stagnation point.
I'm stuck
This has to be resolved, somehow, someway.

They say God is good all the time.
Fine.
I will seek Him.

Failure... Failure....

Today was a total failure!
An utter defeat!

I have failed to fulfill my plan to study, thanks to some obscure online game.

It seems that success is not as easy as we usually think. Sigh...

Tomorrow is the last day of revision, I better use it well.

What is there to think about today?

I was reminiscing about my young self just now. Few years ago, someone robbed my family's house. He took a small TV and a radio. They do not seem to worth so much, but back then, my family was facing financial crisis. Those properties were precious to us, considering the fact that we are tight in our budget. So... Yeah... We all feel cheated...

I don't know why, but one day my dad told me that the thief came to him and admitted his crime. I believed my dad. However, now that I think about it again, I'm wondering if it is possible for a thief to come back to his/her victim to admit his crime. I actually doubt that such a thief exist. He must have a heightened sense of guilt, if he is to exist. So... I actually think that there is a possibility that my dad was lying to me, so that I will be able to forget about the event. It's just a possibility that he would do such a thing, knowing that I was young and naive.

It's just what parents like to do to manipulate the thoughts of their children. It can be both good and bad. It's good because the children will then be able to move on with their life without too much grudge towards the one who wronged them. It's bad because the children may find out about the truth in the future, and get their feelings hurt. I'm not bothered to find out about the thief though. Whether he really did what my dad told me or not, it does not really matter to me.

Sigh... I'm starting to think that this is just another meaningless post.

Implications? None... I just thought of that all of a sudden. Just a random thought...

Another late post...

There are so many problems I have to face just to achieve my dream. So many risks I have to take. As for my dream to go to japan, I have to make myself aware of what I'm actually dreaming about. After that, I need to resolve the problem I will face. For instance, I have to contact the embassy tomorrow. 'Can I even do it?'. These thoughts always haunt me. I'm going to take risk to go against all odds, only for something that I may not even get. I'll have to give up my other set of future to try to grasp a supposedly better future. Argh, it's so confusing I want to puke. Gosh... What should I do with my life? Once I'm married, I will be bound to my family and I'll have to fulfil my duties as a father. To marry someone... Yet another risk that I'll have to take. Infuriating, is there such a word?

This is to go to my blog.

Where was I... I want to go to japan. Do I? Yes. Why? I like the Japanese Culture that I've been seeing in TVs. How? They respect each other when they talk. Moreover, I'd like to experience something brand new. Japan is the answer. I also like Japan in its geographical aspect. They have beautiful Sakura that only grows in the country. They have wonderful, and I mean, wonderful, tourism spots. So beautiful that I'm tempted to go there if I have the funds. The standard of education in Japan is high as well. Good culture, extraordinary views, and high standard of education, plus the desire to learn and experience something different, Japan is indeed a perfect place to be for me.

Ooo, you're going to say that in your interview?

maybe, and more about my dream of touring around Japan, seeing wonderful stuff for real.

Aren't you getting discouraged by the fact that there can be as many as 1000 applicants, while only 13 of them are chosen. 13:1000+, that's quite a figure, I must say.

Yeah, I do feel discouraged when I heard that there can be more than 1000 applicants annually. However, I do hope that they can see my worth during the selection tests and interviews, you know. I have weaknesses that I never cared to tend to. I confess, I'm weak in mathematics. I'm quite a game maniac. I can be lazy. What the hell! stating all this makes me feel embarrassed of myself. I should be. Just look back on your holiday. How many days were spent without doing anything? 80% or rather 95% of your time were spent on unnecessary things. I'm ashamed of myself... Why am I such a loser? I CAN CHANGE!!! FOR THE SAKE OF A BETTER FUTURE, I CAN CHANGE, I HAVE TO CHANGE, I MUST CHANGE, I MUST BE WILLING TO CHANGE!!!!

You must remember that this is not an easy task. You know it well. Just look at how many failed attempts you made. ACTIONS speak louder, much louder than WORDS!!! You better remember this well, YOU CANNOT STAY LIKE THIS, THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. SOONER OR LATER, you'll have to change your ways. Why do you want to postpone it? When will you wake up! how else should I arrange words to make it so striking towards myself when I read them in the future? It is a struggle, if you choose not to struggle, then you are indeed a loser. Wake up? How long more will u be asleep? You better read this, and make it striking enough for you every time you read it.

You are capable to be a great man, it's just the willingness that is missing. Grasp that willingness, and you'll prosper... U only need to do that simple task, get urself willing to make use of your capability!

In my wildest dream!

15th June 2008, (Late Post)

Last night, I dreamt of me being a summoner. You know, the summoner in final fantasy X kind.

Summoners in the story are supposed to sacrifice their lives in order to give a brief period of peace to the world, which will then be ended shortly after it came with the rebirth of an almighty monster 'Sin'. Well, you are free to laugh... In my dream, I was one of those summoners who are determined to sacrifice their lives to kill Sin and bring about brief period of peace to the world before Sin is reborn again.

However, this summoner Yuna has slain Sin and this time, it's not going to be reborn. Everyone was happy, of course. I somehow came in during this period. I was still determined to sacrifice my life... For what? For the betterment of mankind. How? I do not know how. I wished that Yuna has not killed Sin for good, cos then I will have the chance to sacrifice myself for the people.

I even met her in the dream. She is a very pretty lady, I must say. Well, a dream is still a dream. I told her that somehow, i still want to have a 'good' death, and I still have the chance to have myself killed for obscure reasons by going to an altar that actually never exist, even in the game. I cant remember what she said and what I finally chose to do so. At the altar, I'm supposed to slit my wrist and let my blood flow out. I dunno what happened after that. I however remembered that I flew with one of my aeons. I felt the cold winds rushing through my hair and my skin. It was so strong, I have to almost close my eyes. It was probably the air blowing out from my room's air conditioner in the real life.

It's an awesome experience in an awesome dream, indeed. I chose to extend my sleep just to continue dreaming, but it is not still resolved in the end. I hate unresolved stories, so I'm kind of disappointed that I was not able to see the ending of that dream. How I wish that I live in such a world where sacrificing myself for the betterment of mankind is a possible option for my death. It's kind of good suicide, you know. It's only that the word suicide is concealed by the word sacrifice. As I was thinking of that fabulous dream, I looked around me, and thought, 'here I am, stuck in an obscure world of reality, and such things never existed in this world I'm living in'.

It's depressing, really. Does the world in my dream exist? I want to go there and run away from this crazy world I'm currently in. This is just a close-to-insane man's note which others may find as imaginative and crazy dream. I want it recorded, that's all. So that one day, if I'm to be in such a world, I can SCREAM for joy.

How do I know?

The title says it all.

I went jogging today, after days of fattening program in my hometown. Thanks to my mother's excellent culinary skills. Indeed, I gained a few kilograms within three weeks. In my attempt to compensate for that, I went jogging just now. I ran six laps, and I thought that I was going to stop, but I carried on to complete a total of ten laps. After completing my last 100 meters sprint, I was so damn tired I could die. Then a question struck my mind, How do I know that I am tired enough to call myself tired. Intriguing, isn't it?

According to the common definition of 'tired', how tired is 'tired'? How about happiness, sadness, and depression?

The problem to answer this is that you can not measure any sensations that you feel, nor can you compare it with others'. For example, no one can understand or comprehend the sensation of tiredness that I felt when I completed my 10 laps, for the simple reason that no one can feel exactly the same sensations as others.

One may try to explain one's personal sensation by relating it to the feelings that people commonly get when going through a course of event. For example, "I'm so happy. It feels like I'm flying up high in the sky!". Yeah, something like that. But again, people may feel differently about flying up high in the sky. Thus, to a certain degree, this attempt is not very successful.

So what's the seemingly-humongous problem? My definition of tired, or happy, or sad, or depressed is really personal, and it is most probably different with others.

How do I know when to stop running?
---When you feel tired.
When do I feel tired?
---When you think that you can no longer go on.
When is that exactly? How do I know that I can no longer go on?
---Hmm... when your body tells you so.
How does my body tell me so?
---through the emergence of tired sensation.
How 'tired' is enough to tell me that I can no longer go on?
---when you feel that the tiredness is enough to make you feel that you can not go on.
Not going anywhere, aren't we?
---yes, in the first place, your question is not necessary. You stop when you feel like it.
When is that?
---Sigh.... I do not know.

I myself am confused on what to write. I hope you can see the problem here? Our sensations are personal, strictly personal. No one can understand it completely. Maybe I'm mistaken but I think it is called quale with the 'e' of bed. so... Quale.

Implication? Hmmm, since you can not tell how tired is enough to stop yourself, why not put your fullest effort such that your body will forcefully stop you, for example, by fainting. As to the question 'How enough is enough?', put your fullest effort in it until you are at the verge of insanity.

What am I doing? I have an exam to prepare for. I guess some people may be able to tell where I come from by reading that piece of information.

Pissed off...

This is one of those posts that i will cut short. I am pissed because my broadband provider, Mobile 1, is ripping off my money. I paid 22 S$ per month, and for what? For a constantly 'interrupted' internet service. Why use all those flowery language when u explain to your customers? Can't u be more frank by saying that internet speed will be like shit when many people from your area is using the service. You see, they promised 1 Mb/s internet speed, but that promise is, oh well, a lie. Download speed barely reach 70Kb/s. I've never seen faster download speed than 70Kb/s.

Worse still, they are franchising their broadband internet, without even upgrading the internet signal strength. Now that many people are using this broadband, we never know if M1 is actually doing their part to fulfill their promise. Oh well, I don't think they will be bothered to do that.

"There are many people using the broadband service and they are bound for 6 months, therefore I am safe as their money will keep on pouring into my company. Who cares about upgrading the system, as long as I get that money from my foolish customers who came to me just like ants towards a piece of cake. Indeed, this project is a success, in business terms, I mean. People keep on pouring in and I have no need to upgrade the system at all." I guess this is what their manager is saying.

I wonder if this is still considered as a service...

DAMN YOU MOBILE ONE!!!
ALONG WITH HUMAN BEINGS AND ALL THEIR FUCKING GREED!!!
DAMN ME TOO FOR BEING ONE OF THOSE HUMAN!!!
ALIENS SHOULD COME AND EXTERMINATE us and OBLITERATE human civilisations for the betterment of the universe.

Sigh... Oh, and in case you are wondering how come I am still using this internet service while my friend should have unsubscribed from this service, it is because he left Singapore without even remembering about this shit he has with me.

Sorry for the vulgarities, they always exist in my mind...

I survived Cambodia

Yes, I survived a seven days trip in Cambodia. I do not know if the word "survived" is appropriate for this trip. I must confess, it is quite enjoyable and not as torturous as the word "survive" may imply. The hotel was good, the tour guide was friendly, the places I visited are interesting, I could learn many things about Cambodian culture, but then there is something missing, i think...

We visited an orphanage. Personally, I think the things that we (me and my classmates) organise at the orphanage are messed up. All of them are messed up. However, the orphans over there are... very friendly. Yes, on the last day of our visit there, everyone but me played some traditional/local game with the orphans until, in extreme cases, 4 in the morning. Unbelievable isn't it? It is intriguing how modernised people still have that desire to play some 'lame' games with the orphans, and think that they are fun. Well, to tell you the truth, I personally think that the games are, indeed, fun. The most mind blowing fact of all is that some of my classmates even have (had) a crush on some female orphans.

You may ask, "what's wrong with having a crush like that?" The problem is, in my humble personal opinion, such relationship can not go on due to the different backgrounds between us and the kids over there. We are not Cambodians and the orphans are not Singaporeans. Worse still, we are so far apart from each other. Few days without contact will kill off the love that we may have towards the orphans. I had my own experience trying, desperately and hopelessly, to uphold the relationship or, should I say, love towards someone so distant from me. She is basically my childhood friend. We are far apart from each other, and my attempts to retain the relationship that we had failed miserably. So, based on my personal experience, a distant relationship can not go on.

What are we in the orphans eyes? I think we are not more than friends. We are just one of those groups that visited the orphanage. Even so, my classmates are looking forward for another trip during the next school holiday. Sigh, I wonder how long they retain such a futile passion, now that it is incredibly hard for us to contact the orphans. Enough about orphans, dammit. Thinking of them makes me more and more depressed.

Why do i get depressed when I think of those orphans? Regret. I truly regret for not playing with them on that last night in the orphanage. I was trying to retain my sanity in my room, alone, after I witnessed a betrayal by someone I do not particularly like at that time. It is, in a way, good for my classmates that they can love those orphans. As for me, I find it difficult to love. This loveless dude, is kind of depressed because he find it hard to love anyone. He finds everything so unfaithful, so not eternal, so futile. He does not want to be hurt when those things that he love is taken away from him. Therefore, he decided that he might as well not love anyone or anything. Drifting...

Anyways, the trip was interesting. We visited a slaughterhouse for Cambodians during Pol Pot time. We visited the palace where Cambodian kings' throne resides. We visited a local village. We visited a temple. We visited a market with all those unbelievably cheap and, of course, fake stuf in the market. We shoot people down... Wait. That doesn't sound right. We shoot them down with our cameras. That sounds better. (Thanks for not laughing). I'm spending too much time on this post. No wonder people ask me if I have enough time for such a thing like this blog. Fine, I'll keep my future posts shorter, especially those that are posted during school holidays.

It's the end... My broadband internet will be taken away today, and I can never post anything till I purchase my own broadband internet. So... This is a temporal farewell, I hope.

Dun feel like doing it....

Sigh...
As you may have already guessed, I dun feel like doing what i should be doing. It is a very irresponsible thing to do but I just dun feel like doing anything at all. Oh, and by the way, 'it' refers to mostly school and all their academic works. Bah...

Here I am hiding away in a classroom when I should be going for a school function. Why? Because I dun feel like doing anything, and this is how I do nothing by pressing keyboard buttons and reading a kindly-asked-to-leave-the-school teacher's blog. It was because of his blog that he was dismissed from the school. I fancy him for being who he is. He's too smart for his own good though.

Oh, since I'm illegally hiding in an empty classroom, I'm kind of freaked out every time I hear some noise just outside the classroom. Shucks. I'm quite a paranoid, I must confess. I fear many things. Somehow, I also fear that people find out what I'm doing when I'm all alone like now. Sigh... I just want to be alone, undisturbed, for once. Oh, I'm hearing footsteps! Nope, the lady was not able to detect my presence in the seemingly empty classroom. Lucky me...

Oh, i mentioned about me being a game addict. Why do I play game? I guess it is to kill time while I'm drifting nowhere. I'm just afraid to move on. Is it? Yeah. If, if only, time can freeze anytime I want it to, things will be so much better. Still, it is not going to happen. Welcome to reality...

Maybe what I need now is 'deconditioning' from games and conditioning for something else. The fear of being discovered is still creeping me. How does being discovered become a horror to me, I wonder... Being discovered means that I'm pulled out of my own personal world, forcefully, which basically sucks. Why is it so? I just want to be left alone for a while, to have a peace.

I better get going now, even though I do not want to.
Sigh.. Living in a community is not that easy..

Third attempt

This is the third attempt to use blog as a mean of reflection, for the sake of sanity and realisation. This being the third attempt means that the previous two failed miserably. However, I will still try to do this.

So... Why is it that I want to do blogging? It's to find out what I have always been thinking about. It also lets me know that I'm not someone who is simply drifting towards no man's land.

In case you are wondering why I use 'River of Dreams' as my blog title, the reason is because I love the song so much. It's sung by Billy Joel, by the way. I find one art of the lyrics of the song very meaningful. The singer is searching for something 'so undefined, that it can only be seen by the eyes of the blind'. So what is this thing? I wonder... is it identity? A definition of myself, thought I can't really find that exact definition. Maybe my senses will not help me to find this thing, or even becoming a hindrance in a quest of finding it.

Today, I finished my mathematics portfolio at 5am in the morning. I made further amendments at 8am. I submitted it at 10am. I must confess, it is not my own work. I am ashamed of this fact, but I have to cheat up to a certain degree in order to survive. At least, I really tried my best to explain everything in my own words, based on what I understand about the question.

I must say, I'm the biggest loser of all. I started to do the maths portfolio early and ended up at the same stage as those who started one day before the submission day. Maybe I'm never suited for this kind of thing anyway. Maybe, I'm, never good at these subjects. Sigh... What a loser. So much for a learning process that does not really mean a thing to others but myself. My only hope from doing these things by myself as much as possible is that through the pain and angst i experience in the process, I can learn something from it. Then, I guess I should not give a damn about others.

By the way, I need to sleep early. I am doped by a cup of coffee this morning. In the next post, I think I will talk about me being a game addict. I confess once again... Quite ashamed of that. This will be elaborated in the next post.

Let this third attempt be a successful one, amen. All I need to do is to condition myself for it. By the way, a little hint about my identity (I mean, what I'm known for), it's TABASCO and MUSTARD. It's funny how I want to keep myself anonymous but at the same time I want people who knows me to know me through this blog. It's just like those writers who wants to convey their points to the readers by hiding their message in their literary works.

Cut... Cut... Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...