The title tells everything...
Let me die...
Oh, do not worry, you'll still see me tomorrow simply because this guy does not even have the guts to do anything reckless.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What's the point?
That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.
I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.
I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.
I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.
What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?
As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden
It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.
Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.
Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.
Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.
I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.
I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.
I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.
What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?
As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden
It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.
Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.
Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.
Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!
Monday, September 8, 2008
"Some guys have all the luck..."
This is just one of my favourite song, sung by Rod Stewart. I find the lyrics quite striking and true... here goes...
Chorus:
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
And I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me
(chorus)
Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
She was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky
(chorus)
All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say
(chorus)
But if you were here with me
Id feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just cant let you say goodbye
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain
Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
And I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me
(chorus)
Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
She was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky
(chorus)
All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say
(chorus)
But if you were here with me
Id feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just cant let you say goodbye
Yeah, i find the lyrics quite true, and me being the unlucky one. There's no use complaining, but complaining for a bit gives you a sense of relieve. So, I'm complaining...
Just another day...
... or rather a failed day.
I did my IOP today and it was all messed up. It was bad beyond all my expectations. Sigh... At least it is now over, and I can forget about it. The next presentation is coming my way, the Theory of Knowledge presentation. I don't want to talk about it here.
Oh, I get to talk to one of the most hated individuals in the hostel. Well, indeed, he is not very lovely. No wonder not many likes him, and worse still he does not seem to care about his position. I wish him good luck, then. As to why he is not so lovely, I'm not sure why. It is possible that my perception of him is biased thanks to the gossips and rumors that I heard about him. I try not to take all this unreliable information personally, but I can not guarantee that my perception is not affected at all. Yeah... Human... Simply human...
I re-learned meditation, thanks to my maths teacher...
I started the stock challenge thingy, it's fun...
Tomorrow, I will be jogging with a teacher too...
Good nite
I did my IOP today and it was all messed up. It was bad beyond all my expectations. Sigh... At least it is now over, and I can forget about it. The next presentation is coming my way, the Theory of Knowledge presentation. I don't want to talk about it here.
Oh, I get to talk to one of the most hated individuals in the hostel. Well, indeed, he is not very lovely. No wonder not many likes him, and worse still he does not seem to care about his position. I wish him good luck, then. As to why he is not so lovely, I'm not sure why. It is possible that my perception of him is biased thanks to the gossips and rumors that I heard about him. I try not to take all this unreliable information personally, but I can not guarantee that my perception is not affected at all. Yeah... Human... Simply human...
I re-learned meditation, thanks to my maths teacher...
I started the stock challenge thingy, it's fun...
Tomorrow, I will be jogging with a teacher too...
Good nite
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Through the rain...
Today is probably the most happening day of the holiday. I was jogging for around 3 to 4 km just to get my bike which was parked in an unknown place due to the rain on the day before. It seems that the Gods/God have something against me riding my bicycle back to my hostel... Yeah, it rained again. This time, I am trapped at a small bus stop that barely sheltered me from the rain. Worse still it was so windy that I was completely wet after an hour or so under the 'shelter'.
So... Under the shelter, at first, I was alone and I cursed the skies (or Gods, sorry) for making me feel that They/He have something against me. Then a Malay couple came to seek shelter from the storm. It seemed that they did not bring a set of raincoat. I just smiled at them, and that is the first and last communication with them. Then came and Indian man, who was going to walk towards his safe haven. Alas, he was trapped too! I talked to him for some time (I must be out of my mind). He even showed me a Bollywood videos from his phone. I could do nothing other than trying to appreciate his video, and try to show my appreciation by asking some question and showing some awe. Yep, that's who I am anyway, the great pretender. Still, I find the encounter quite interesting. We don't know each other and yet we became 'friend'. I doubt I will ever see him again, though. Few Chinese men came too, but we did not talk much, or rather we ignored each other. At least I showed some kind of concern to the last Chinese guy under the 'shelter'.
It's kind of coincidental that all races were represented in that short occurence. I guess it's just a coincidence. Anyway... as the storm faded away and turned into a light rain, I decided to continue my journey. I thought that it was pointless to keep myself dry, thanks to the 'shelter'. So... under the rain... I went kind of berserk. It was a different sensation, you know. It was so freakin cold, and my visibility is greatly reduced thanks to the raindrops falling into my eyes (I thought I should have brought my swimming goggles along). It was refreshing, really. Then I visited a buddhist temple, a real buddhist temple with little or no influence of taoism. I was shocked to witness how families with cars offered to give others a ride to nearby MRT station. I thought, "At last, a scene of kindness in a crazy world". Then, as I saw the Buddha figure in the temple, I suddenly felt like thanking the Gods/God for allowing me to experience something new, so that I can learn from it. Other human beings are dying as I cursed the Gods/God for their/His lack of fairness towards me. I guess I was being selfish then. Bah... A natural human response to mishappenings. I'm human. I'm not about to get enlightenment. Still, as I reflect on ththose figures, I requested for Wisdom and Courage. The two things that i need the most currently. I could not request for more than that (like good grades for exam), it's just too raw, too selfish, and crude. Then I rode my bike back to my hostel, still under the light rain.
I am wondering if it is possible for one to die of exhaustion. Failed attempts to kill oneself by exhaustion will result in lower probability of dying of exhaustion in the future as the body become more conditioned to exhasution. Thus, if it is even possible to die of exhasution, one should do it once and for all. Random, huh?
Here I am now, in my room, trying to recall the occurences that happened a few hours ago. Thinking that no one will actually bother to read the whole post and comment on it, I am considering to stop. However, since there is a higher probability that visitors will read the last paragraph, I shall leave something to think about. For everything, give thanks. No matter how shitty it may be, be glad that you are not dying like those starving populace in Africa.
So... Under the shelter, at first, I was alone and I cursed the skies (or Gods, sorry) for making me feel that They/He have something against me. Then a Malay couple came to seek shelter from the storm. It seemed that they did not bring a set of raincoat. I just smiled at them, and that is the first and last communication with them. Then came and Indian man, who was going to walk towards his safe haven. Alas, he was trapped too! I talked to him for some time (I must be out of my mind). He even showed me a Bollywood videos from his phone. I could do nothing other than trying to appreciate his video, and try to show my appreciation by asking some question and showing some awe. Yep, that's who I am anyway, the great pretender. Still, I find the encounter quite interesting. We don't know each other and yet we became 'friend'. I doubt I will ever see him again, though. Few Chinese men came too, but we did not talk much, or rather we ignored each other. At least I showed some kind of concern to the last Chinese guy under the 'shelter'.
It's kind of coincidental that all races were represented in that short occurence. I guess it's just a coincidence. Anyway... as the storm faded away and turned into a light rain, I decided to continue my journey. I thought that it was pointless to keep myself dry, thanks to the 'shelter'. So... under the rain... I went kind of berserk. It was a different sensation, you know. It was so freakin cold, and my visibility is greatly reduced thanks to the raindrops falling into my eyes (I thought I should have brought my swimming goggles along). It was refreshing, really. Then I visited a buddhist temple, a real buddhist temple with little or no influence of taoism. I was shocked to witness how families with cars offered to give others a ride to nearby MRT station. I thought, "At last, a scene of kindness in a crazy world". Then, as I saw the Buddha figure in the temple, I suddenly felt like thanking the Gods/God for allowing me to experience something new, so that I can learn from it. Other human beings are dying as I cursed the Gods/God for their/His lack of fairness towards me. I guess I was being selfish then. Bah... A natural human response to mishappenings. I'm human. I'm not about to get enlightenment. Still, as I reflect on ththose figures, I requested for Wisdom and Courage. The two things that i need the most currently. I could not request for more than that (like good grades for exam), it's just too raw, too selfish, and crude. Then I rode my bike back to my hostel, still under the light rain.
I am wondering if it is possible for one to die of exhaustion. Failed attempts to kill oneself by exhaustion will result in lower probability of dying of exhaustion in the future as the body become more conditioned to exhasution. Thus, if it is even possible to die of exhasution, one should do it once and for all. Random, huh?
Here I am now, in my room, trying to recall the occurences that happened a few hours ago. Thinking that no one will actually bother to read the whole post and comment on it, I am considering to stop. However, since there is a higher probability that visitors will read the last paragraph, I shall leave something to think about. For everything, give thanks. No matter how shitty it may be, be glad that you are not dying like those starving populace in Africa.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Just another day
My biological clock should be in a mess now. I only started to sleep 9 am in the morning today, and I did not sleep the night before. Anyways, I was riding my bicycle from my brother's place back to my hostel early in the morning, when suddenly... rain came down upon the earth... Which is bad... I had to park my bike to a sheltered and foreign place. Of course, I'll get it back tomorrow, but I fear it may be stolen by someone. Let's hope it's not stolen...
So... It's just another day. I woke up from sleep at 4.30pm and subconsciously decided to do my Economics Internal Assessment. I was surprised how I suddenly start to do my work.
Anyways... Lately I have been thinking about random scenarios, for randomness' sake. I remember none... Sigh... That is why I sometimes wish I have a thoughts logger.
Apart from a long sleep, nothing else was happening. What a wasted day... As I look back to today's occurrences, I think that my life is like a slow roller coaster. Things are so slow, stagnant, unchanging. That is why I also wish for the Doomsday to come ASAP.
Bah...
So... It's just another day. I woke up from sleep at 4.30pm and subconsciously decided to do my Economics Internal Assessment. I was surprised how I suddenly start to do my work.
Anyways... Lately I have been thinking about random scenarios, for randomness' sake. I remember none... Sigh... That is why I sometimes wish I have a thoughts logger.
Apart from a long sleep, nothing else was happening. What a wasted day... As I look back to today's occurrences, I think that my life is like a slow roller coaster. Things are so slow, stagnant, unchanging. That is why I also wish for the Doomsday to come ASAP.
Bah...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Bah....
I'm at my limit today. I can read and read my textbook but I can tell that I'm not getting any closer to my target. So what's the point? Then What is it that i should do at times like this? It's irritating, really.
Where did Free Will go? While I seem to have free will all the time, but due to social restrictions and norms, I can never take those possible choices.
Bah... What a day!
Where did Free Will go? While I seem to have free will all the time, but due to social restrictions and norms, I can never take those possible choices.
Bah... What a day!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Unchanging...
I can only say change do not come so easily. We human want to be at the safer, old side. Bah. I reinstalled my game and found myself playing for hours. Funny, huh? The rationale was...
Me : Get a life, myself!
Myself : How?
Me : do something useful for once.
Myself : I have no motivation
Me : Then do something to get motivation!
Myself : that would be....
Me : you don't say...
Myself and Me : Video Games!!!
Myself : Perhaps by playing games for a short while I can get my motivation back
Me : Ok, let's give it a try...
Few hours later....
(To be exact, a few minutes ago...)
Myself and Me : FAILED!!!!!!!!
Me : Time to uninstall the game.
Myself : agreed... It does not yield the suspected result
Me : Yup, basically you were lazy...
Myself : yeah, time to uninstall then...
The end, they did not live happily ever after.
Yeah, that's more or less what happened in my mind. Today was a failure. The most happening thing that I did today was... watching prefects camp and get entertained. Not exactly entertained... It just makes me kinda see how I could possibly be if only I have taken a certain path. However, I obviously did not take that path. So here I am now, being the current me, with all the possibilities and probabilities of myself only living in parallel worlds, if such things exist.
I have way too many labels. If only I can delete some of them...
Me : Get a life, myself!
Myself : How?
Me : do something useful for once.
Myself : I have no motivation
Me : Then do something to get motivation!
Myself : that would be....
Me : you don't say...
Myself and Me : Video Games!!!
Myself : Perhaps by playing games for a short while I can get my motivation back
Me : Ok, let's give it a try...
Few hours later....
(To be exact, a few minutes ago...)
Myself and Me : FAILED!!!!!!!!
Me : Time to uninstall the game.
Myself : agreed... It does not yield the suspected result
Me : Yup, basically you were lazy...
Myself : yeah, time to uninstall then...
The end, they did not live happily ever after.
Yeah, that's more or less what happened in my mind. Today was a failure. The most happening thing that I did today was... watching prefects camp and get entertained. Not exactly entertained... It just makes me kinda see how I could possibly be if only I have taken a certain path. However, I obviously did not take that path. So here I am now, being the current me, with all the possibilities and probabilities of myself only living in parallel worlds, if such things exist.
I have way too many labels. If only I can delete some of them...
Monday, September 1, 2008
"A few days worth" post
28th August
I can only remember that i was DYING for holiday.
29th August
While there should be lesson at school, despite the teacher's day celebration, I did not have any lesson. I pity my Chinese B comrades who had to go through a Chinese lesson though. I heard that their teacher is not... nice. I was hunting high and low for a teacher to give her a teacher's day present too, it's not something worth reading (then why the hell am I posting it here?). I slept throughout the afternoon.
30th August
I BOUGHT an iPod at Comex at slightly cheaper price of 365 S$. I failed to paste the free screen protector properly. Therefore, I need to purchase another set of screen protector that will cost around 12S$. Effectively, my iPod costs 377 S$, with only 11 S$ difference from the normal price.
That's all there is to note for this day
31st August
Bloody hell, I completed 10km run!!! I dun remember running non-stop, but I remember that I did not stop at all. Due to the overwhelming response to the mass run, all of us had difficulty running at the starting area. There were just too many people. Regardless, it was a good run. I drank a total of 1 litres of 100+, free of charge. I was given a pack of biscuit too. Apart from the sense of achievement, that's all there is for the day...
1st September
Sigh... I had a CCA meeting today and my committee received a bad scolding from the teacher in charge. It's partly because of me. I did not do things that I should have done. I was not initiative enough to do things on my own. I have no intention to rebuke those charges against me. What a lousy day... Well at the least all of us in the comittee had a renewed sense of responsibility after the scolding, and had a fruitful meeting after that.
I consider today a wasted day. Apart from the scolding and the meeting, and the discovery of someone's blog, nothing else was happening. Why not make it useful now... Right... Okay... Time to study...
I can only remember that i was DYING for holiday.
29th August
While there should be lesson at school, despite the teacher's day celebration, I did not have any lesson. I pity my Chinese B comrades who had to go through a Chinese lesson though. I heard that their teacher is not... nice. I was hunting high and low for a teacher to give her a teacher's day present too, it's not something worth reading (then why the hell am I posting it here?). I slept throughout the afternoon.
30th August
I BOUGHT an iPod at Comex at slightly cheaper price of 365 S$. I failed to paste the free screen protector properly. Therefore, I need to purchase another set of screen protector that will cost around 12S$. Effectively, my iPod costs 377 S$, with only 11 S$ difference from the normal price.
That's all there is to note for this day
31st August
Bloody hell, I completed 10km run!!! I dun remember running non-stop, but I remember that I did not stop at all. Due to the overwhelming response to the mass run, all of us had difficulty running at the starting area. There were just too many people. Regardless, it was a good run. I drank a total of 1 litres of 100+, free of charge. I was given a pack of biscuit too. Apart from the sense of achievement, that's all there is for the day...
1st September
Sigh... I had a CCA meeting today and my committee received a bad scolding from the teacher in charge. It's partly because of me. I did not do things that I should have done. I was not initiative enough to do things on my own. I have no intention to rebuke those charges against me. What a lousy day... Well at the least all of us in the comittee had a renewed sense of responsibility after the scolding, and had a fruitful meeting after that.
I consider today a wasted day. Apart from the scolding and the meeting, and the discovery of someone's blog, nothing else was happening. Why not make it useful now... Right... Okay... Time to study...
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