Today was a total failure!
An utter defeat!
I have failed to fulfill my plan to study, thanks to some obscure online game.
It seems that success is not as easy as we usually think. Sigh...
Tomorrow is the last day of revision, I better use it well.
What is there to think about today?
I was reminiscing about my young self just now. Few years ago, someone robbed my family's house. He took a small TV and a radio. They do not seem to worth so much, but back then, my family was facing financial crisis. Those properties were precious to us, considering the fact that we are tight in our budget. So... Yeah... We all feel cheated...
I don't know why, but one day my dad told me that the thief came to him and admitted his crime. I believed my dad. However, now that I think about it again, I'm wondering if it is possible for a thief to come back to his/her victim to admit his crime. I actually doubt that such a thief exist. He must have a heightened sense of guilt, if he is to exist. So... I actually think that there is a possibility that my dad was lying to me, so that I will be able to forget about the event. It's just a possibility that he would do such a thing, knowing that I was young and naive.
It's just what parents like to do to manipulate the thoughts of their children. It can be both good and bad. It's good because the children will then be able to move on with their life without too much grudge towards the one who wronged them. It's bad because the children may find out about the truth in the future, and get their feelings hurt. I'm not bothered to find out about the thief though. Whether he really did what my dad told me or not, it does not really matter to me.
Sigh... I'm starting to think that this is just another meaningless post.
Implications? None... I just thought of that all of a sudden. Just a random thought...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Another late post...
There are so many problems I have to face just to achieve my dream. So many risks I have to take. As for my dream to go to japan, I have to make myself aware of what I'm actually dreaming about. After that, I need to resolve the problem I will face. For instance, I have to contact the embassy tomorrow. 'Can I even do it?'. These thoughts always haunt me. I'm going to take risk to go against all odds, only for something that I may not even get. I'll have to give up my other set of future to try to grasp a supposedly better future. Argh, it's so confusing I want to puke. Gosh... What should I do with my life? Once I'm married, I will be bound to my family and I'll have to fulfil my duties as a father. To marry someone... Yet another risk that I'll have to take. Infuriating, is there such a word?
This is to go to my blog.
Where was I... I want to go to japan. Do I? Yes. Why? I like the Japanese Culture that I've been seeing in TVs. How? They respect each other when they talk. Moreover, I'd like to experience something brand new. Japan is the answer. I also like Japan in its geographical aspect. They have beautiful Sakura that only grows in the country. They have wonderful, and I mean, wonderful, tourism spots. So beautiful that I'm tempted to go there if I have the funds. The standard of education in Japan is high as well. Good culture, extraordinary views, and high standard of education, plus the desire to learn and experience something different, Japan is indeed a perfect place to be for me.
Ooo, you're going to say that in your interview?
maybe, and more about my dream of touring around Japan, seeing wonderful stuff for real.
Aren't you getting discouraged by the fact that there can be as many as 1000 applicants, while only 13 of them are chosen. 13:1000+, that's quite a figure, I must say.
Yeah, I do feel discouraged when I heard that there can be more than 1000 applicants annually. However, I do hope that they can see my worth during the selection tests and interviews, you know. I have weaknesses that I never cared to tend to. I confess, I'm weak in mathematics. I'm quite a game maniac. I can be lazy. What the hell! stating all this makes me feel embarrassed of myself. I should be. Just look back on your holiday. How many days were spent without doing anything? 80% or rather 95% of your time were spent on unnecessary things. I'm ashamed of myself... Why am I such a loser? I CAN CHANGE!!! FOR THE SAKE OF A BETTER FUTURE, I CAN CHANGE, I HAVE TO CHANGE, I MUST CHANGE, I MUST BE WILLING TO CHANGE!!!!
You must remember that this is not an easy task. You know it well. Just look at how many failed attempts you made. ACTIONS speak louder, much louder than WORDS!!! You better remember this well, YOU CANNOT STAY LIKE THIS, THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. SOONER OR LATER, you'll have to change your ways. Why do you want to postpone it? When will you wake up! how else should I arrange words to make it so striking towards myself when I read them in the future? It is a struggle, if you choose not to struggle, then you are indeed a loser. Wake up? How long more will u be asleep? You better read this, and make it striking enough for you every time you read it.
You are capable to be a great man, it's just the willingness that is missing. Grasp that willingness, and you'll prosper... U only need to do that simple task, get urself willing to make use of your capability!
This is to go to my blog.
Where was I... I want to go to japan. Do I? Yes. Why? I like the Japanese Culture that I've been seeing in TVs. How? They respect each other when they talk. Moreover, I'd like to experience something brand new. Japan is the answer. I also like Japan in its geographical aspect. They have beautiful Sakura that only grows in the country. They have wonderful, and I mean, wonderful, tourism spots. So beautiful that I'm tempted to go there if I have the funds. The standard of education in Japan is high as well. Good culture, extraordinary views, and high standard of education, plus the desire to learn and experience something different, Japan is indeed a perfect place to be for me.
Ooo, you're going to say that in your interview?
maybe, and more about my dream of touring around Japan, seeing wonderful stuff for real.
Aren't you getting discouraged by the fact that there can be as many as 1000 applicants, while only 13 of them are chosen. 13:1000+, that's quite a figure, I must say.
Yeah, I do feel discouraged when I heard that there can be more than 1000 applicants annually. However, I do hope that they can see my worth during the selection tests and interviews, you know. I have weaknesses that I never cared to tend to. I confess, I'm weak in mathematics. I'm quite a game maniac. I can be lazy. What the hell! stating all this makes me feel embarrassed of myself. I should be. Just look back on your holiday. How many days were spent without doing anything? 80% or rather 95% of your time were spent on unnecessary things. I'm ashamed of myself... Why am I such a loser? I CAN CHANGE!!! FOR THE SAKE OF A BETTER FUTURE, I CAN CHANGE, I HAVE TO CHANGE, I MUST CHANGE, I MUST BE WILLING TO CHANGE!!!!
You must remember that this is not an easy task. You know it well. Just look at how many failed attempts you made. ACTIONS speak louder, much louder than WORDS!!! You better remember this well, YOU CANNOT STAY LIKE THIS, THE WAY YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. SOONER OR LATER, you'll have to change your ways. Why do you want to postpone it? When will you wake up! how else should I arrange words to make it so striking towards myself when I read them in the future? It is a struggle, if you choose not to struggle, then you are indeed a loser. Wake up? How long more will u be asleep? You better read this, and make it striking enough for you every time you read it.
You are capable to be a great man, it's just the willingness that is missing. Grasp that willingness, and you'll prosper... U only need to do that simple task, get urself willing to make use of your capability!
In my wildest dream!
15th June 2008, (Late Post)
Last night, I dreamt of me being a summoner. You know, the summoner in final fantasy X kind.
Summoners in the story are supposed to sacrifice their lives in order to give a brief period of peace to the world, which will then be ended shortly after it came with the rebirth of an almighty monster 'Sin'. Well, you are free to laugh... In my dream, I was one of those summoners who are determined to sacrifice their lives to kill Sin and bring about brief period of peace to the world before Sin is reborn again.
However, this summoner Yuna has slain Sin and this time, it's not going to be reborn. Everyone was happy, of course. I somehow came in during this period. I was still determined to sacrifice my life... For what? For the betterment of mankind. How? I do not know how. I wished that Yuna has not killed Sin for good, cos then I will have the chance to sacrifice myself for the people.
I even met her in the dream. She is a very pretty lady, I must say. Well, a dream is still a dream. I told her that somehow, i still want to have a 'good' death, and I still have the chance to have myself killed for obscure reasons by going to an altar that actually never exist, even in the game. I cant remember what she said and what I finally chose to do so. At the altar, I'm supposed to slit my wrist and let my blood flow out. I dunno what happened after that. I however remembered that I flew with one of my aeons. I felt the cold winds rushing through my hair and my skin. It was so strong, I have to almost close my eyes. It was probably the air blowing out from my room's air conditioner in the real life.
It's an awesome experience in an awesome dream, indeed. I chose to extend my sleep just to continue dreaming, but it is not still resolved in the end. I hate unresolved stories, so I'm kind of disappointed that I was not able to see the ending of that dream. How I wish that I live in such a world where sacrificing myself for the betterment of mankind is a possible option for my death. It's kind of good suicide, you know. It's only that the word suicide is concealed by the word sacrifice. As I was thinking of that fabulous dream, I looked around me, and thought, 'here I am, stuck in an obscure world of reality, and such things never existed in this world I'm living in'.
It's depressing, really. Does the world in my dream exist? I want to go there and run away from this crazy world I'm currently in. This is just a close-to-insane man's note which others may find as imaginative and crazy dream. I want it recorded, that's all. So that one day, if I'm to be in such a world, I can SCREAM for joy.
Last night, I dreamt of me being a summoner. You know, the summoner in final fantasy X kind.
Summoners in the story are supposed to sacrifice their lives in order to give a brief period of peace to the world, which will then be ended shortly after it came with the rebirth of an almighty monster 'Sin'. Well, you are free to laugh... In my dream, I was one of those summoners who are determined to sacrifice their lives to kill Sin and bring about brief period of peace to the world before Sin is reborn again.
However, this summoner Yuna has slain Sin and this time, it's not going to be reborn. Everyone was happy, of course. I somehow came in during this period. I was still determined to sacrifice my life... For what? For the betterment of mankind. How? I do not know how. I wished that Yuna has not killed Sin for good, cos then I will have the chance to sacrifice myself for the people.
I even met her in the dream. She is a very pretty lady, I must say. Well, a dream is still a dream. I told her that somehow, i still want to have a 'good' death, and I still have the chance to have myself killed for obscure reasons by going to an altar that actually never exist, even in the game. I cant remember what she said and what I finally chose to do so. At the altar, I'm supposed to slit my wrist and let my blood flow out. I dunno what happened after that. I however remembered that I flew with one of my aeons. I felt the cold winds rushing through my hair and my skin. It was so strong, I have to almost close my eyes. It was probably the air blowing out from my room's air conditioner in the real life.
It's an awesome experience in an awesome dream, indeed. I chose to extend my sleep just to continue dreaming, but it is not still resolved in the end. I hate unresolved stories, so I'm kind of disappointed that I was not able to see the ending of that dream. How I wish that I live in such a world where sacrificing myself for the betterment of mankind is a possible option for my death. It's kind of good suicide, you know. It's only that the word suicide is concealed by the word sacrifice. As I was thinking of that fabulous dream, I looked around me, and thought, 'here I am, stuck in an obscure world of reality, and such things never existed in this world I'm living in'.
It's depressing, really. Does the world in my dream exist? I want to go there and run away from this crazy world I'm currently in. This is just a close-to-insane man's note which others may find as imaginative and crazy dream. I want it recorded, that's all. So that one day, if I'm to be in such a world, I can SCREAM for joy.
How do I know?
The title says it all.
I went jogging today, after days of fattening program in my hometown. Thanks to my mother's excellent culinary skills. Indeed, I gained a few kilograms within three weeks. In my attempt to compensate for that, I went jogging just now. I ran six laps, and I thought that I was going to stop, but I carried on to complete a total of ten laps. After completing my last 100 meters sprint, I was so damn tired I could die. Then a question struck my mind, How do I know that I am tired enough to call myself tired. Intriguing, isn't it?
According to the common definition of 'tired', how tired is 'tired'? How about happiness, sadness, and depression?
The problem to answer this is that you can not measure any sensations that you feel, nor can you compare it with others'. For example, no one can understand or comprehend the sensation of tiredness that I felt when I completed my 10 laps, for the simple reason that no one can feel exactly the same sensations as others.
One may try to explain one's personal sensation by relating it to the feelings that people commonly get when going through a course of event. For example, "I'm so happy. It feels like I'm flying up high in the sky!". Yeah, something like that. But again, people may feel differently about flying up high in the sky. Thus, to a certain degree, this attempt is not very successful.
So what's the seemingly-humongous problem? My definition of tired, or happy, or sad, or depressed is really personal, and it is most probably different with others.
How do I know when to stop running?
---When you feel tired.
When do I feel tired?
---When you think that you can no longer go on.
When is that exactly? How do I know that I can no longer go on?
---Hmm... when your body tells you so.
How does my body tell me so?
---through the emergence of tired sensation.
How 'tired' is enough to tell me that I can no longer go on?
---when you feel that the tiredness is enough to make you feel that you can not go on.
Not going anywhere, aren't we?
---yes, in the first place, your question is not necessary. You stop when you feel like it.
When is that?
---Sigh.... I do not know.
I myself am confused on what to write. I hope you can see the problem here? Our sensations are personal, strictly personal. No one can understand it completely. Maybe I'm mistaken but I think it is called quale with the 'e' of bed. so... Quale.
Implication? Hmmm, since you can not tell how tired is enough to stop yourself, why not put your fullest effort such that your body will forcefully stop you, for example, by fainting. As to the question 'How enough is enough?', put your fullest effort in it until you are at the verge of insanity.
What am I doing? I have an exam to prepare for. I guess some people may be able to tell where I come from by reading that piece of information.
I went jogging today, after days of fattening program in my hometown. Thanks to my mother's excellent culinary skills. Indeed, I gained a few kilograms within three weeks. In my attempt to compensate for that, I went jogging just now. I ran six laps, and I thought that I was going to stop, but I carried on to complete a total of ten laps. After completing my last 100 meters sprint, I was so damn tired I could die. Then a question struck my mind, How do I know that I am tired enough to call myself tired. Intriguing, isn't it?
According to the common definition of 'tired', how tired is 'tired'? How about happiness, sadness, and depression?
The problem to answer this is that you can not measure any sensations that you feel, nor can you compare it with others'. For example, no one can understand or comprehend the sensation of tiredness that I felt when I completed my 10 laps, for the simple reason that no one can feel exactly the same sensations as others.
One may try to explain one's personal sensation by relating it to the feelings that people commonly get when going through a course of event. For example, "I'm so happy. It feels like I'm flying up high in the sky!". Yeah, something like that. But again, people may feel differently about flying up high in the sky. Thus, to a certain degree, this attempt is not very successful.
So what's the seemingly-humongous problem? My definition of tired, or happy, or sad, or depressed is really personal, and it is most probably different with others.
How do I know when to stop running?
---When you feel tired.
When do I feel tired?
---When you think that you can no longer go on.
When is that exactly? How do I know that I can no longer go on?
---Hmm... when your body tells you so.
How does my body tell me so?
---through the emergence of tired sensation.
How 'tired' is enough to tell me that I can no longer go on?
---when you feel that the tiredness is enough to make you feel that you can not go on.
Not going anywhere, aren't we?
---yes, in the first place, your question is not necessary. You stop when you feel like it.
When is that?
---Sigh.... I do not know.
I myself am confused on what to write. I hope you can see the problem here? Our sensations are personal, strictly personal. No one can understand it completely. Maybe I'm mistaken but I think it is called quale with the 'e' of bed. so... Quale.
Implication? Hmmm, since you can not tell how tired is enough to stop yourself, why not put your fullest effort such that your body will forcefully stop you, for example, by fainting. As to the question 'How enough is enough?', put your fullest effort in it until you are at the verge of insanity.
What am I doing? I have an exam to prepare for. I guess some people may be able to tell where I come from by reading that piece of information.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)