Ignorance is Bliss

Hi, I'm suddenly turned on again, along with this blog of mine.
Well, today is a very depressing day, you know... My proposals for Physics Extended Essays are all rejected. I am not sure if it is because they are not good enough, or is it because my supervisor's standard is too high, or even both. I do not know. I can never know. Who can? It's the same bottomless pit, again. How do you know anyway? My belief in maths' theory was broken too. I suddenly discovered an uncertainty when my friend asked my a question about the topic. I discovered how foolish I have been all this time, believing that I have mastered the subject. Silly me...

As you can see from the title of this post, "Ignorance is Bliss", I am going to talk about this famous saying. I was pondering over this statement during my depression induced by rejections from my physics Extended Essay supervisor. It was painful blow, I think. Anyway, back to my reflection on this statement. You are blissful when you ignore things that you should need to worry about. By ignoring these matters, you will believe that everything is going on well and you are in full control of everything. You will have peaceful mind when you make yourself believe that there is nothing to be worried about. So, ignorance gives rice to unawareness of things to worry about, which leads to peaceful mind. It's deception of your own mind. It works like those drugs that people sell for high prices. These drugs give the users bliss. So, truly, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is peacefulness. For those that thinks that peacefulness is the same as happiness, then ignorance can also mean happiness.

If that is true, then I never actually bother to try to achieve happiness. I always worry about things, so as to ensure that I'm not left behind, to make sure that I'm aware of everything. So, I do not want to be ignorant, at all cost! That's me. I never want to achieve peacefulness, cos there is no such thing as peacefulness in this crazy world. There will never be peace, unless we choose to ignore things and create our virtual peacefulness. Or perhaps, this is the peace that people are talking about all this time. The ability to deceive yourself, to make yourself believe that things are going on the way it should be, this is probably what is required in order to achieve peace. Sigh... Then I shall say goodbye to peace. Peace is not for me, yet...

It's getting late, and I need to do some more things on the play, Hedda Gabler. I hate her the most, by the way. She deserves death for being so defiant for no apparent reason.

Good nite

WHAT IS WITH MOBILE ONE SINGAPORE!!! THEY SURE LIKE TO EXPLOIT THEIR CUSTOMERS, DON'T THEY?

It's been so looooooong....

Yup, It's been soooo long since the last time I post something on my blog.
I thought it's gonna die.

For this post, I'm not going to press enter too many times.

Anyways... My birthday was like any other days. Actually, there was something going on. It was the Interact Club Executive Committee Installation day. It's nothing special really... My saturday morning was burned off with anxiety though. What a birthday. Well, what makes holidays any better than any other days anyway? Isn't it, logically speaking, the same as any other day. What makes a day, or a period of time, so special is the emotional attachment to it. Yeah. I do not know if it is Buddhist teachings that I'm following, or is it my indifference, I always try to restrain myself from creating emotional attachments unnecessarily. I think it's not beneficial. I think... Well, people argues that even though it is not long-lasting, creating emotional attachments by making friends will benefit you emotionally. However, I'm naturally unapproachable, or unattractive, or indifferent, or all of them... That's my natural self. It's hard to change.

I received a camera as my birthday present, Hoooooray. I took a nice picture of school compounds during sunset today. These nice views are always close to me, but I never get to realise its presence. Ironic, huh? I tried to capture the beauty of the sight that i saw with my camera. Still, that picture that I captured with the camera can not match the view that I saw with my own eyes. Truly, our creator, whoever it is, is awesome! Our eyes can not be matched by any optical gadgets that are made by men. If only we have a camera function in our eyes...

Anyway, starting today, I'm gonna make an expenditure log using Excel. Currently, I'm using a book that used to be my diary. However, it's not neat at all, and a better approach to this matter will be computer software. It's more troublesome, but it's more organised. I better start now. Till next time, my friends. (though no one actually bothered to read my blog, lol)

An Awesome Day, I think....

Today seems to be an awesome day, somehow.
maybe it is because of the fact that there were not many lessons to attend to.
And yet, my homeworks are starting to pile up.
Sigh, what a life....

Let's see... What happened today that makes it so awesome anyway? i went jogging after a long time. I finished my last ration of cereal. I accidentally spilled my milk powder on my study table. I finished more of my practical reports. I cut a few plastic butterflies. I answered someone's question in my class almost perfectly. It looks like another ordinary day.

Hold on! My Japanese Rose plant is BLOOMING, finally!!! After months of fruitless wait, it has finally bloomed today. It's beautiful, I think! All this time, the flower will often die before it can bloom. Maybe it is because of the dry soil? perhaps... I poured too much water into the pot, and when I returned from school I shouted in awe. It's beautiful. I thought it is Japanese Grass, instead of Japanese Rose, since I have never seen the flower. So... Yeah... This is just one of those things that makes today quite awesome.

I've been reading my friend's blog too. I dun have time to read through everything though. We only have 24 hours a day, sadly. We have to deduct the 24 hours by sleeping time, etc. Sigh, physical needs are very infuriating (just to make sure I'm not going to forget the word). It's human limitation that you can not surpass in any way. It's like a chemical reaction, you know. Physical needs are like limiting reagent. No matter how much excess reagent you have, the yield of product is still limited by the limiting reagent. Sigh. Saddening.

What else makes today an awesome day? I went jogging with my friend. I didn't expect it was him when I ran pass him. What the hell, he ran 8km last Saturday. I, on the other hand, was watching the war movies. I dun regret it though. It's worth my time.

Seriously, maybe all I need to kill my suicidal thoughts is a chance to realise how much a life is worth? A war maybe good. Just imagine many of your friends are enlisted to the army, and you are to fight beside him for the war. How cool is that? Well, if that is to happen, I better make use of it. I better find the value of life before I get killed and gone eternally. Thanks to UN, I do not think that will happen anyway.

I'm writing too much, I think. My physical needs are calling me to sleep. I have no choice but to follow them, since I am Human. Good Nite

Not so utter-defeat

Unlike other weekends, this one is slightly more productive.
I finished one practical report. and done a quarter of 3 other practicals.
I finally finished watching the war movie series, "Band of Brothers".
The endings were kind of undramatic though.
I though Richard Dick Winters was gonna die or something
It turned out that they were enjoying themselves in Austria as they wait for Japan to surrender.
Yea, quite disappointing. However, I kind of like it that way. At least, Winters does not have to die.
I think he is my hero.

Anyway...
In one of my posts I mentioned that my dream was over...
It's not gonna happen
Unless..... I'm willing to sacrifice everything for it.
And I mean, everything!!!
If I fail, I will waste one year of my life.
If I try again, I will waste another year of my life, and so on.
Is it worth it?
Has anyone mentioned "What is a life if you do not strive to get what you want?"
I mean, the sacrifices I need to make seem to be too much for me, I think.
And who is there to measure the value of my sacrifices?
No one, I guess...
So... Things that seem to be useless, are they completely useless?
If I'm to study Japanese for fun, is that a waste of time?
Even If I'm not going to Japan at all, does that mean that I should not waste my time doing that extra stuffs?
HOLD ON!!! You can not even complete all your school tasks!
You must prioritize...
Do those things that are important first...
Games are like opium, it lets you drift away. They eat your life away!
How I wish I can remember that fact all the time, T_T

About my future career...
I'm interested with mechanical stuffs.
I think I want to be a Constructional Engineer, or Civic Engineer, or Mechanical Engineer.
Either one of these.
That's it I have decided!!
I dun want to be chemical engineer cos my lifespan will be cut short, so that's out of question.

Just another day...

Today is just another day
I attempted to pass my Physical fitness test but I still failed my standing broad jump and chin up.
I went for a meeting which is basically pointless.
It really tests my patience to tell you the truth.
There is this guy that makes others think that he thinks that he is cool.
Oh please, why the excessive defiance?
I'm even more surprised that this guy has a girlfriend.
Maybe I'm jealous, but, what the hell is in her mind as she date him?
Which part of him is so cool that she likes him so much?
Ah.... This is me in my bitching mood.
This is just a blog so it does not really matter.

And.... I did not do anything much today.
Beside the fact that I learned many things about John Lennon.
Him being in love with a Japanese lady.
It is cool that they illustrate the saying that true love knows no boundary.
But I do not know how they get to love each other so much...
Anyways, it's none of my concern....

I'm sleeping early today... There isn't anything to do.
Even if there is I'm not in the mood of doing it, so...
I also need to wake up early tomorrow to see my teacher in school early in the morning.

I really want to write up more here, but... there isn't much time for me to spend.
i have to go to sleep already...
Nite....

Reflective Jog

I went jogging just now, and I thought maybe what I currently need is a war. It is a situation where I can finally realise the value of my life, if I survive through it, that is. This thought is probably caused by the war movie I watched. It's cool. "Band of Brothers" is cool!!!

Anyway...

I need to go and do my work. A lot of them are overdue. Crap.
Procrastinate some more and I will find myself... in the gallows in front of my principal's office.

A short post indeed.
I was posting a comment on my friend's blog, you see.
So my reflective mood is drained out.
Good nite...

Another defeat

This weekend is another defeat....
I spent my time playing games all day long
I even forgot about my plant
I'm supposed to be responsible for its survival
There I was talking about plant's pain!
Hypocrite, that's what I am...

before the weekend I thought of doing as many work as possible, now here I am regretting what I have done.
So many works undone.
And my walk with Him?
Booooom.....

That's me people
A messed up guy
totally messed up guy

I'm fairly satisfied with my exam result
I didn't fail anything
But I fail this....
Truly, I may need to uninstall these crazy games!

Band of Brothers

I'm thinking of band of Brothers all of a sudden.
I saw different personalities in the movie.
I admire Winters, the leader man.
He is just toooo coool.
He is a real man.
He knows his principles.
He cares for his man.
He is determined.
He is a good, almost perfect, leader.
He has everything that a man want, I'm talking about personalities you know...

However, I see myself as Sobel, the other leader.
He is seen as a very bossy man.
At the beginning of the show, he appears to be very disciplined and experienced military trainer.
However, at the later part of the movie, he shows himself as an incapable leader.
When he does his job, he's jumpy. Very nervous, I mean.
It's like he wants to make everything perfect.
He's not very sensible either.
He's not a good tactician.
he just look good on the outside, but when he start to work with his co-workers, he's starting to show all his incapabilities.
A total opposite of Winters.
It struck me so hard when I see Sobel being 'reassigned' to other job.
I mean... I see myself in him...

Maybe, I need to be more friendly, you know.
How do you become friendly?
I can't even give encouragement to others, fearing that it will be rejected.
I fear that my attempts to be friendly will be rejected, then I'll look like a loser.
I am aware that not trying to do anything at all is worse than failing in my attempt.
Maybe all I need to do is try...
I fear many things, so does Sobel.
I need to overcome my fears...

I mentioned that i will seek God.
I am trying to seek Him once again, you know.
He enlightened me through the book of James.
The first few chapters encourage me to push on with my life.
Is there any need to be depressed?
It's through this struggle that you become stronger.

The end....

Randomise

I think i wrote about the same topic down in my diary.
The Ant and the Grasshopper...
Who says that the Ant will live happily ever after?
Who says that the Grasshopper will die of starvation because he's lazy?
In real life, things never occur the same way these stories do.

A man's worth...
How do you measure it?
How do you know that you are living the right way to be worthy for the society?
All the questions that have been bugging me all this time, they are always about how do one know?

All this time, I have been a coward...
I have been putting up a mask to make myself look good.
But here I am, at my breaking point.
I just do not know who I am and what I want.
It's the breaking point.
What is it that I have been searching for all this time?
I'm trying to find myself again.
The self that has been denied all this time.
It started back in my primary school time.
I was a teacher's doll.
I strive to be what people want me to be.
In secondary 2, I dunno who to follow.
From secondary 3 to now, I've been in stagnation point.
I'm stuck
This has to be resolved, somehow, someway.

They say God is good all the time.
Fine.
I will seek Him.