Moving forward

to keepmovingforward90.blogspot.com
"90" from 1990, which is the year I was born. Thanks to the person who used the 'keepmovingforward' as the blog name first...

Pretense and Denial

Pretense and Denial... they are instilled in me. Whatever thing my desire want me to do is continuously denied. Now that my desires are denied, who am I? Reason for denial? It's no good for my future. So I want to be good in the future and therefore decided to deny that desire? That's it. Because I want to have the best future possible. Which is a very crude statement. A good future is never certain. Despite these denials, I still do not know whether i can have a good future. What's the use of denial then? It does not end right after the denial! Deny it and do something else that is more fruitful. Concluded? Yes. Therefore, in conclusion, do something more useful!

Revive...

7am In the morning, and what am I doing? I could not sleep all night. Well, to tell you the truth I was playing an online game until 5am in the morning. I planned to sleep and wake up at 9am to do my Extended Essay data collection, but the plan failed. I got distracted by my long nails, and then a magazine, and then the online game that I left on. I decided, I'm not going to sleep until 9am and then I'll proceed with my EE.

Yes, it is the revival of my blog after more than a month period of silence. Reason for revival? I am tired of unreflective days. I want to break up from the trend of playing online games all day long, go to sleep, and play games again. I really want to break out of the deadly trend. Basically, it is days of hallucination and delusions.

I have been through a lot of things. I finished my exam. I survived through the days of post-exam 'activities'. I spent most of those days doing things like this. Staying awake until the next morning, and sleep all the way in my classroom. The planning for the overseas trip to Vietnam has started too. 35. 10 points away from perfection, which I can never reach if I follow this kind of screwed up lifestyle.

Makes me kinda wonder. Is there anything that I can do to open up my eyes permanently? Games are my main concern now... I'm losing myself now. I'm getting quite sleepy... However, I shall continue.

Well... pause... pause... pause... pause...

Oh, I heard a breaking news. It's not so hot, it was breaking, but I was simple enough not to heard about it. Someone in Secondary 4 was expelled because he attempted to fake a tragic story to distract his competitors. It's funny, surprising, shocking, etc etc. I mean, how can a person do such a revolutionary thing? He gets a revolutionary reason for expulsion too, of course. It's very lame... Getting expelled for a plot... He was very smart too... wasted. wasted.. wasted..

Well, it's none of my business anyway.

My brother finally got a girlfriend! After years of celibacy he finally got one. The funny thing is, he phoned me just to tell me that he officially has a girlfriend. it must be something really thrilling, I guess.

Anyway... I was watching a Japanese show. Great Teacher Onizuka. It's an awesome show, I think. Onizuka is a real man. He does not pretend to hide his true self. He says what he wants to say. A very radical, non-conformist man. He's quite inspiring, I guess. I, the Great Pretender, must learn a few things from such teacher, if he ever exists...

and I am falling asleep... Good night...

The Breaking Point+++

(snap...)

Yeah, it's the breaking point. How long has it been since I posted the last post? a few weeks, I suppose. That's because I'm back to my obsession of online games and stupid stuff like that. It turned out that I'm not that strong anyway. So, why the sudden urge to post something anyway? Erm... I guess today, or rather, yesterday was a special day. It's one of my best friends' birthday. I do not know what she might think of me at the moment, but at least I still think of her as a good childhood friend that I possibly can never forget. The other factor that leads to me accessing my blog is because I took a sip of coffee and I can not sleep now. I'm using my iPod as timer. 60 minutes of blogging and I'll go to sleep.

In a few hours time I will be having my maths test. I have a feeling that I'll screw it up. Over.
In a few hours time, I will be free from exams but will be burdened by other things. Over.
I felt clueless just a few hours ago, so that is why today is another breaking point. Clueless of what I actually want to do. Why am I doing the things that I'm currently doing? These kind of questions you know... I still do not know the answers to these questions, but anyway...
Oh, and I have a feeling that I am a failure in every aspects. I always thought that I have some academic capabilities, but the results of this examination will obviously prove it to be wrong. Worse still, I am a failure as a social being. I do not make friends easily and I do not particularly attract others as I do not have outstanding qualities like others do. So, this unwanted being is mourning over his failure in everything.

Those thoughts arise from the fact that my roommates for next year is still undecided, and my friends seem to... avoid me. Like he does not want me to be his roommate. He did not even ask me. It hurts me a lot cos I thought he is the only friend I have, and it turned out that he favours a certain people more than me. Makes me feel more and more unwanted. Unwanted. Unwanted. UNWANTED!!!! Sigh... Might as well die now and not a thing will change. I always have this thought in a small corner of my mind. "Might as well die now". The resolve to that is clear. Make yourself useful and get wanted. Counter argument: Till when?

Go to sleep and forget about all these, be born anew when you wake up.
Hahahahahahahahah <---- The conspirator's laugh...

Give Up

The title tells everything...
Let me die...

Oh, do not worry, you'll still see me tomorrow simply because this guy does not even have the guts to do anything reckless.

What's the point?

That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.

I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.

I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.

I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.

What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?

As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden

It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.

Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.

Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.

Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!

"Some guys have all the luck..."

This is just one of my favourite song, sung by Rod Stewart. I find the lyrics quite striking and true... here goes...

Chorus:
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain

Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
And I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me

(chorus)

Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
She was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky

(chorus)

All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say

(chorus)

But if you were here with me
Id feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just cant let you say goodbye

Yeah, i find the lyrics quite true, and me being the unlucky one. There's no use complaining, but complaining for a bit gives you a sense of relieve. So, I'm complaining...

Just another day...

... or rather a failed day.

I did my IOP today and it was all messed up. It was bad beyond all my expectations. Sigh... At least it is now over, and I can forget about it. The next presentation is coming my way, the Theory of Knowledge presentation. I don't want to talk about it here.

Oh, I get to talk to one of the most hated individuals in the hostel. Well, indeed, he is not very lovely. No wonder not many likes him, and worse still he does not seem to care about his position. I wish him good luck, then. As to why he is not so lovely, I'm not sure why. It is possible that my perception of him is biased thanks to the gossips and rumors that I heard about him. I try not to take all this unreliable information personally, but I can not guarantee that my perception is not affected at all. Yeah... Human... Simply human...

I re-learned meditation, thanks to my maths teacher...
I started the stock challenge thingy, it's fun...
Tomorrow, I will be jogging with a teacher too...
Good nite

Through the rain...

Today is probably the most happening day of the holiday. I was jogging for around 3 to 4 km just to get my bike which was parked in an unknown place due to the rain on the day before. It seems that the Gods/God have something against me riding my bicycle back to my hostel... Yeah, it rained again. This time, I am trapped at a small bus stop that barely sheltered me from the rain. Worse still it was so windy that I was completely wet after an hour or so under the 'shelter'.

So... Under the shelter, at first, I was alone and I cursed the skies (or Gods, sorry) for making me feel that They/He have something against me. Then a Malay couple came to seek shelter from the storm. It seemed that they did not bring a set of raincoat. I just smiled at them, and that is the first and last communication with them. Then came and Indian man, who was going to walk towards his safe haven. Alas, he was trapped too! I talked to him for some time (I must be out of my mind). He even showed me a Bollywood videos from his phone. I could do nothing other than trying to appreciate his video, and try to show my appreciation by asking some question and showing some awe. Yep, that's who I am anyway, the great pretender. Still, I find the encounter quite interesting. We don't know each other and yet we became 'friend'. I doubt I will ever see him again, though. Few Chinese men came too, but we did not talk much, or rather we ignored each other. At least I showed some kind of concern to the last Chinese guy under the 'shelter'.

It's kind of coincidental that all races were represented in that short occurence. I guess it's just a coincidence. Anyway... as the storm faded away and turned into a light rain, I decided to continue my journey. I thought that it was pointless to keep myself dry, thanks to the 'shelter'. So... under the rain... I went kind of berserk. It was a different sensation, you know. It was so freakin cold, and my visibility is greatly reduced thanks to the raindrops falling into my eyes (I thought I should have brought my swimming goggles along). It was refreshing, really. Then I visited a buddhist temple, a real buddhist temple with little or no influence of taoism. I was shocked to witness how families with cars offered to give others a ride to nearby MRT station. I thought, "At last, a scene of kindness in a crazy world". Then, as I saw the Buddha figure in the temple, I suddenly felt like thanking the Gods/God for allowing me to experience something new, so that I can learn from it. Other human beings are dying as I cursed the Gods/God for their/His lack of fairness towards me. I guess I was being selfish then. Bah... A natural human response to mishappenings. I'm human. I'm not about to get enlightenment. Still, as I reflect on ththose figures, I requested for Wisdom and Courage. The two things that i need the most currently. I could not request for more than that (like good grades for exam), it's just too raw, too selfish, and crude. Then I rode my bike back to my hostel, still under the light rain.

I am wondering if it is possible for one to die of exhaustion. Failed attempts to kill oneself by exhaustion will result in lower probability of dying of exhaustion in the future as the body become more conditioned to exhasution. Thus, if it is even possible to die of exhasution, one should do it once and for all. Random, huh?

Here I am now, in my room, trying to recall the occurences that happened a few hours ago. Thinking that no one will actually bother to read the whole post and comment on it, I am considering to stop. However, since there is a higher probability that visitors will read the last paragraph, I shall leave something to think about. For everything, give thanks. No matter how shitty it may be, be glad that you are not dying like those starving populace in Africa.

Just another day

My biological clock should be in a mess now. I only started to sleep 9 am in the morning today, and I did not sleep the night before. Anyways, I was riding my bicycle from my brother's place back to my hostel early in the morning, when suddenly... rain came down upon the earth... Which is bad... I had to park my bike to a sheltered and foreign place. Of course, I'll get it back tomorrow, but I fear it may be stolen by someone. Let's hope it's not stolen...

So... It's just another day. I woke up from sleep at 4.30pm and subconsciously decided to do my Economics Internal Assessment. I was surprised how I suddenly start to do my work.

Anyways... Lately I have been thinking about random scenarios, for randomness' sake. I remember none... Sigh... That is why I sometimes wish I have a thoughts logger.

Apart from a long sleep, nothing else was happening. What a wasted day... As I look back to today's occurrences, I think that my life is like a slow roller coaster. Things are so slow, stagnant, unchanging. That is why I also wish for the Doomsday to come ASAP.

Bah...

Bah....

I'm at my limit today. I can read and read my textbook but I can tell that I'm not getting any closer to my target. So what's the point? Then What is it that i should do at times like this? It's irritating, really.

Where did Free Will go? While I seem to have free will all the time, but due to social restrictions and norms, I can never take those possible choices.

Bah... What a day!

Unchanging...

I can only say change do not come so easily. We human want to be at the safer, old side. Bah. I reinstalled my game and found myself playing for hours. Funny, huh? The rationale was...

Me : Get a life, myself!
Myself : How?
Me : do something useful for once.
Myself : I have no motivation
Me : Then do something to get motivation!
Myself : that would be....
Me : you don't say...
Myself and Me : Video Games!!!
Myself : Perhaps by playing games for a short while I can get my motivation back
Me : Ok, let's give it a try...

Few hours later....
(To be exact, a few minutes ago...)

Myself and Me : FAILED!!!!!!!!
Me : Time to uninstall the game.
Myself : agreed... It does not yield the suspected result
Me : Yup, basically you were lazy...
Myself : yeah, time to uninstall then...

The end, they did not live happily ever after.

Yeah, that's more or less what happened in my mind. Today was a failure. The most happening thing that I did today was... watching prefects camp and get entertained. Not exactly entertained... It just makes me kinda see how I could possibly be if only I have taken a certain path. However, I obviously did not take that path. So here I am now, being the current me, with all the possibilities and probabilities of myself only living in parallel worlds, if such things exist.

I have way too many labels. If only I can delete some of them...

"A few days worth" post

28th August
I can only remember that i was DYING for holiday.

29th August
While there should be lesson at school, despite the teacher's day celebration, I did not have any lesson. I pity my Chinese B comrades who had to go through a Chinese lesson though. I heard that their teacher is not... nice. I was hunting high and low for a teacher to give her a teacher's day present too, it's not something worth reading (then why the hell am I posting it here?). I slept throughout the afternoon.

30th August
I BOUGHT an iPod at Comex at slightly cheaper price of 365 S$. I failed to paste the free screen protector properly. Therefore, I need to purchase another set of screen protector that will cost around 12S$. Effectively, my iPod costs 377 S$, with only 11 S$ difference from the normal price.
That's all there is to note for this day

31st August
Bloody hell, I completed 10km run!!! I dun remember running non-stop, but I remember that I did not stop at all. Due to the overwhelming response to the mass run, all of us had difficulty running at the starting area. There were just too many people. Regardless, it was a good run. I drank a total of 1 litres of 100+, free of charge. I was given a pack of biscuit too. Apart from the sense of achievement, that's all there is for the day...

1st September
Sigh... I had a CCA meeting today and my committee received a bad scolding from the teacher in charge. It's partly because of me. I did not do things that I should have done. I was not initiative enough to do things on my own. I have no intention to rebuke those charges against me. What a lousy day... Well at the least all of us in the comittee had a renewed sense of responsibility after the scolding, and had a fruitful meeting after that.

I consider today a wasted day. Apart from the scolding and the meeting, and the discovery of someone's blog, nothing else was happening. Why not make it useful now... Right... Okay... Time to study...

Just another day...

Well... This is just a post about another ordinary day with slight turbulence here and there. Today, my teacher left the class earlier than it should be, and she was not aware of it. Basically, the whole class agreed to let her be as they were all tired of the subject already. They all pleaded to me not to tell her that her lesson is not over yet, as I'm usually the one who acts as the 'model student'. Still, this occurrence makes me realise the fact that in our modern society, there is always conspiracy of the masses. If 95% of the members of the class agree to let her be deceived, then it shall be the case. Yes... Conspiracy of the masses. How about democracy system in governments all around the world? Sigh...

Besides, for every right thing that I fight for, I become more and more aware of my hypocritical self. By fighting for the right thing, am I not indirectly saying that I am always fighting for the right thing? Otherwise, I'm being biased and unreliable as I only fight for the right thing only when a certain conditions are met. Thus, assuming I'm not biased, I should be fighting for every single right thing in the world.

However, that is not the case. I'm a human being who is driven by emotions, thus I'm biased and unreliable to a certain degree towards different things. Being aware of the fact that I am biased and my actions are driven by passions, and still fighting for the right thing makes me a hypocrite, right? I am aware that I cannot fight for every single right thing. It is beyond my ability as a human being, yet I'm fighting for the right thing anyway. I can not even confirm if my action this time is not driven by passion. How ironic is that? This concept is hard to explain. I'm not even sure if I grasp it already.

The essence of the problem here is, do I have the right to fight for the right thing when I myself am not perfectly right?
Can someone who is not perfectly honest fight for honesty?
Can someone who is not perfectly just fight for justice?
Indeed, it is written... "Do not judge others, for you will be judged by God"
Still, if an imperfect being, knowing that he/she can not be completely perfect, can not fight for perfection, then who will fight for perfection?

I'll rephrase it again...

Does someone, who is aware that he/she can never be perfectly right, have the right to fight for righteousness?
If not, then who does? If no one can be perfectly right, then can perfect righteousness ever be reached?
Perhaps this is why perfection can never be reached. No one ever have the idea of perfection. Perfection is beyond our measure, beyond our understanding. Then what is the point for striving for perfection if no one can ever reach perfection?

Confusing...

Oh, the plan for coffee overdose failed. The caffeine content of the coffee served in the morning is just too low such that in order to achieve caffeine overdose, you'll have to gulp down at least 7 large cups of coffee. So... It's not possible.

I'm also wondering if anyone ever reads my post now that my blog and my identity is revealed to some people... To anyone who happens to read this post, comments will be greatly appreciated. Just leave a remark about my thoughts... "whatever..." will do if you don;t feel like thinking at all. i just want to know if anyone reads this post at all...

Coffee!!!

Coffee is the most wonderful thing ever invented by human.
Feeling sleepy? just grab a cup of coffee and you are good to go.
I'll try to overdose myself with coffee tomorrow, just for the fun of it.

Still....

Still... If things are so futile and temporary, why bother?
Still... I am waiting for someone who shares the same thoughts as me.
Still... I'm tired of hearing "I do not want to think anymore".
Still... I'm lonely.
Still... Ignorance is all around.

Now that I have much less distractions to do work, I have problem getting the motivation to work.

In case you are wondering why I name myself the Great Pretender...
It's because I think I am seen as a pretender. Or perhaps I am, indeed, a pretender. Personally, I do not think I am a pretender, but what if I am actually a pretender, who is pretending to myself that I am not pretender? Complicated, huh?

Let's see... today... is just one of those ordinary days.
No bombs. No gunshots. No assassinations. Not around me at least.
Perhaps, a bomb exploded somewhere as I type out this post.
Well, it has nothing to do with me or this post, actually...

Seriously, why is nothing happening? I kinda wish that I am fighting in a war, you know! At least true friendships can be made during such time.

This post is disjointed, don't you think?

Identity

My Identity..... revealed..... to some people only at least...

Day 002

Maybe I should stop counting the number of days, it's lame

I had TOK Focus day which, in my opinion, was a waste of time as the matters brought up to my group discussion were not resolved. At least I came to realise the problem of definition that exists in such discussions. The problem of definitions must be resolved before the discussion even starts so that the participants will not have to digress to the same problem over and over again. Sigh... What am I saying here is a waste of your time.

I'm tired now. Why am I tired? I do not know why.
I updated my facebook information, but I do not think that is necessary at all, as my pessimistic mind tells me that no one's going to read my profile anyway. Everyone has their own friend, and those who prefers to be approached, people like me, should go and live a lonely life forever and ever, AMEN. This pessimistic mind bugs me a lot. It's just my nature. Especially when I am in a bad mood like now, my pessimistic mind will play more part in my course of thinking.

Oh, and I read about terrorism in India, how Indian Muslims are offended by the lack of concern shown by the officials regarding the 2002 Indian Muslim massacre. Seriously, I do not care about this. All I think about now is the stupidity of human. How idiotic they can become. Seriously, I think people should really start to think carefully about their actions. Fighting for religion, in my opinion is absurd! What the hell do you gain from those fights? Glory for your religion? So be it, but what do you sacrifice at the expense of that glory? Ah, screw it all. Why do you need religion, HAH? Worse still, you are all forgetting the fundamental reason why religions are created? What is that fundamental reason, I wonder? Isn't it love? Isn't it peace? Has it been created so that people can fight for its TEMPORARY glory? Everything is temporary! Why bother?

Oh, "Everything is temporary; why bother?". This is one of my formulated quote. It makes me feel this life, or everyone's lives, are pointless. Our existence, aren't they pointless? The mere reason why we have to exist is questionable? Why do we have to exist? Shouldn't we end the sufferings of mankind by ending them all? Just like getting rid of stain in a piece of cloth by throwing it away together with the stain. Has anyone mentioned that human need to exist for the universe to go on? Then why is it that we want to exist so badly?

Oh, and Christians think that we exist so as a prove of God's glory. Our existence is to glorify God. If this is true, then isn't God a selfish being? Why the hell did He create us, helpless creatures, just to glorify him? Oh perhaps we are never intended to think the way we do now. Thanks to Adam and Eve who ate the fruit of knowledge! If only they did not eat the fruit, then we could have lived a simpler life, similar to that of the rest of animals in the world. Ignorance is bliss. Had they not eaten the fruit of knowledge, we could have been ignorant of our surrounding and be happy! Screw them for giving birth to our ancestors who eventually give birth to us, that we, the residue of their sexual pleasure, must endure the pain and suffering of the world. This is just a criticism on human existence according to Christianity.

You see, our existence is rather futile. Why bother to exist? Let's be optimistic for a while, shall we? We have no choice but to exist. We have two choices on how to live our life. One, do not bother about it and live an empty, drifting life. Two, we might as well make full use of this life and gain as much as possible since we can not choose not to exist anyway. The second option is the optimistic view about life, of course. However, we sometimes forget about the fact that we do not necessarily need to strive for meaningful life. Striving for a meaningful/good life is just one of the two possible options. Why is it that we tend to forget about this? Hope! Hope is the thing! We always have hopes about better tomorrow, better life, etc. Redding in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" said "Hope, my young friend, is a dangerous thing". It's true to a certain degree. Hope makes us delusional sometimes. However, hope is also the reason why we strive for a meaningful life, isn't it?

This blog can go on forever. I'm even tired of talking to myself now. Again, my pessimistic mind tells me that no one will be bothered to read this discussion anyway. This is one of those things that we, humans, take for granted. If we can be happy with an assumed reasons to live, why bother questioning? I can't help but to think that most of us think according to this statement. Ignorance is bliss after all. Suddenly, this common phrase appears to my mind very frequently nowadays. We, the ignorant beings, are happy, but behind those happiness, there exists foul and corrupted situations that we choose to forget about. When will this delusion end?
When?
When?
When?

This questions, by the way, has been bugging me all this time. It is the fundamental question of human existence which answer probably lies beyond my understanding. However, just like a mathematical graph approaches an asymptote, I'm helplessly striving for that asymptote, that limit too. Ironical, isn't it? that I who is disgusted by hope, have hopes to reach the unreachable. It's just human...

Day 001

Wow, I survived the day
However, I did not do as much as I expected last night or this morning. Still there is one less reason not to do anything related to work. And this one reason is the most deadly and useless of all the possible reasons.

I jogged 7 rounds. I wanted to make it 10 but I was carrying an MP3 player which is quite a burden, and the fact that I'm carrying it means that I risked its working life by drenching it with sweat. I thought of listening to the "Anisong" while I run, and I realised that a special type of earphone is required to do the job. My previous rubberised earphone stopped working because of, presumably, this kind of jog. You may ask (whoever 'you' is...) why I am running at 10pm. The reason is because I'm participating in the Nike+ human race. It's going to be 10 kilometers! So I need to familiarise myself with such long distance running. I ran 20 rounds last week, quite an achievement. I was inspired (or challenged) by my "oh-so-perfect" friend, although I confess that I can never reach him. He is sooooooo far away...

I shaved for the first time today, and it was so much fun. Can't wait to do it again next time! I now look slightly younger with a mustache-less face.

Yeah, that's it for today. I better go to sleep or prepare my IOP already. Adios...

Yeah Done Now

Let's see, this is my first post in August, and it is posted at the end of the month. Funny, isn't it?
Last night, at 3am, I deleted Most of my games. If I ever played any of those 'dormant' games that I left untouched for years, I will deleted them as well. I should have done this months ago. Granado Espada was the newest game I downloaded, and hopefully the last one I'm addicted to. Bloody hell, those games act like opium/drugs. Makes you feel... peaceful, I think. It makes you ignorant of your surroundings, thus, based on the famous saying "Ignorance is bliss", you will get bliss that is temporary, and dangerous too. It eats up your life without you being aware of it.

After the revolutionary personal breakthrough, I watched this anime titled "5 cm per second". It is about two distant young lovers (and I mean, young) and how their love developed over the years. Well, the story ended up sadly. They did not even get to see each other again, and they have lives of their own. Watching this anime makes me think of my childhood. All I could see was GAMES. I mourned over my unloving life. I nearly cried, or perhaps I did. I'm 18 years old, yet I'm as clueless as a newborn baby. The candle has burnt for 18 years, veiled, unaware of its surrounding. Last night I tore the veil up! I want to be new. The agent for regret is now gone. I'm not planning to subscribe to another. So... Where do I go from here?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
Where?
....... I do not know, yet the clock is still ticking away, mercilessly, while I'm walking without apparent direction. Time is so merciless. Why won't you slow down for a while?

Oh, when I read other people's blog, I realised that blog can be used as a "what-you-did-today" thing. It's just something that I never knew about. Oh, and they write about the happenings of the day with their friends. As for me... all the happenings are in my head, and I experience them alone. Even if there are happenings with my friends (If I have one, that is) my brain will reject it as something so important to go to my blog. I guess that shows that I place no importance in my friends, which makes me friendless even now. Looool. This is just me. At this rate, I'll become a writer or a philosopher, or any of those things that isolated and lonely people do.

I would like to thank whoever or whatever that gives me the courage to do what I did last night. Please help me to hold on to a game-less life.