Pretense and Denial

Pretense and Denial... they are instilled in me. Whatever thing my desire want me to do is continuously denied. Now that my desires are denied, who am I? Reason for denial? It's no good for my future. So I want to be good in the future and therefore decided to deny that desire? That's it. Because I want to have the best future possible. Which is a very crude statement. A good future is never certain. Despite these denials, I still do not know whether i can have a good future. What's the use of denial then? It does not end right after the denial! Deny it and do something else that is more fruitful. Concluded? Yes. Therefore, in conclusion, do something more useful!

What's the point?

That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.

I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.

I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.

I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.

What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?

As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden

It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.

Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.

Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.

Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!

Bah....

I'm at my limit today. I can read and read my textbook but I can tell that I'm not getting any closer to my target. So what's the point? Then What is it that i should do at times like this? It's irritating, really.

Where did Free Will go? While I seem to have free will all the time, but due to social restrictions and norms, I can never take those possible choices.

Bah... What a day!

Unchanging...

I can only say change do not come so easily. We human want to be at the safer, old side. Bah. I reinstalled my game and found myself playing for hours. Funny, huh? The rationale was...

Me : Get a life, myself!
Myself : How?
Me : do something useful for once.
Myself : I have no motivation
Me : Then do something to get motivation!
Myself : that would be....
Me : you don't say...
Myself and Me : Video Games!!!
Myself : Perhaps by playing games for a short while I can get my motivation back
Me : Ok, let's give it a try...

Few hours later....
(To be exact, a few minutes ago...)

Myself and Me : FAILED!!!!!!!!
Me : Time to uninstall the game.
Myself : agreed... It does not yield the suspected result
Me : Yup, basically you were lazy...
Myself : yeah, time to uninstall then...

The end, they did not live happily ever after.

Yeah, that's more or less what happened in my mind. Today was a failure. The most happening thing that I did today was... watching prefects camp and get entertained. Not exactly entertained... It just makes me kinda see how I could possibly be if only I have taken a certain path. However, I obviously did not take that path. So here I am now, being the current me, with all the possibilities and probabilities of myself only living in parallel worlds, if such things exist.

I have way too many labels. If only I can delete some of them...

Still....

Still... If things are so futile and temporary, why bother?
Still... I am waiting for someone who shares the same thoughts as me.
Still... I'm tired of hearing "I do not want to think anymore".
Still... I'm lonely.
Still... Ignorance is all around.

Now that I have much less distractions to do work, I have problem getting the motivation to work.

In case you are wondering why I name myself the Great Pretender...
It's because I think I am seen as a pretender. Or perhaps I am, indeed, a pretender. Personally, I do not think I am a pretender, but what if I am actually a pretender, who is pretending to myself that I am not pretender? Complicated, huh?

Let's see... today... is just one of those ordinary days.
No bombs. No gunshots. No assassinations. Not around me at least.
Perhaps, a bomb exploded somewhere as I type out this post.
Well, it has nothing to do with me or this post, actually...

Seriously, why is nothing happening? I kinda wish that I am fighting in a war, you know! At least true friendships can be made during such time.

This post is disjointed, don't you think?

Day 002

Maybe I should stop counting the number of days, it's lame

I had TOK Focus day which, in my opinion, was a waste of time as the matters brought up to my group discussion were not resolved. At least I came to realise the problem of definition that exists in such discussions. The problem of definitions must be resolved before the discussion even starts so that the participants will not have to digress to the same problem over and over again. Sigh... What am I saying here is a waste of your time.

I'm tired now. Why am I tired? I do not know why.
I updated my facebook information, but I do not think that is necessary at all, as my pessimistic mind tells me that no one's going to read my profile anyway. Everyone has their own friend, and those who prefers to be approached, people like me, should go and live a lonely life forever and ever, AMEN. This pessimistic mind bugs me a lot. It's just my nature. Especially when I am in a bad mood like now, my pessimistic mind will play more part in my course of thinking.

Oh, and I read about terrorism in India, how Indian Muslims are offended by the lack of concern shown by the officials regarding the 2002 Indian Muslim massacre. Seriously, I do not care about this. All I think about now is the stupidity of human. How idiotic they can become. Seriously, I think people should really start to think carefully about their actions. Fighting for religion, in my opinion is absurd! What the hell do you gain from those fights? Glory for your religion? So be it, but what do you sacrifice at the expense of that glory? Ah, screw it all. Why do you need religion, HAH? Worse still, you are all forgetting the fundamental reason why religions are created? What is that fundamental reason, I wonder? Isn't it love? Isn't it peace? Has it been created so that people can fight for its TEMPORARY glory? Everything is temporary! Why bother?

Oh, "Everything is temporary; why bother?". This is one of my formulated quote. It makes me feel this life, or everyone's lives, are pointless. Our existence, aren't they pointless? The mere reason why we have to exist is questionable? Why do we have to exist? Shouldn't we end the sufferings of mankind by ending them all? Just like getting rid of stain in a piece of cloth by throwing it away together with the stain. Has anyone mentioned that human need to exist for the universe to go on? Then why is it that we want to exist so badly?

Oh, and Christians think that we exist so as a prove of God's glory. Our existence is to glorify God. If this is true, then isn't God a selfish being? Why the hell did He create us, helpless creatures, just to glorify him? Oh perhaps we are never intended to think the way we do now. Thanks to Adam and Eve who ate the fruit of knowledge! If only they did not eat the fruit, then we could have lived a simpler life, similar to that of the rest of animals in the world. Ignorance is bliss. Had they not eaten the fruit of knowledge, we could have been ignorant of our surrounding and be happy! Screw them for giving birth to our ancestors who eventually give birth to us, that we, the residue of their sexual pleasure, must endure the pain and suffering of the world. This is just a criticism on human existence according to Christianity.

You see, our existence is rather futile. Why bother to exist? Let's be optimistic for a while, shall we? We have no choice but to exist. We have two choices on how to live our life. One, do not bother about it and live an empty, drifting life. Two, we might as well make full use of this life and gain as much as possible since we can not choose not to exist anyway. The second option is the optimistic view about life, of course. However, we sometimes forget about the fact that we do not necessarily need to strive for meaningful life. Striving for a meaningful/good life is just one of the two possible options. Why is it that we tend to forget about this? Hope! Hope is the thing! We always have hopes about better tomorrow, better life, etc. Redding in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" said "Hope, my young friend, is a dangerous thing". It's true to a certain degree. Hope makes us delusional sometimes. However, hope is also the reason why we strive for a meaningful life, isn't it?

This blog can go on forever. I'm even tired of talking to myself now. Again, my pessimistic mind tells me that no one will be bothered to read this discussion anyway. This is one of those things that we, humans, take for granted. If we can be happy with an assumed reasons to live, why bother questioning? I can't help but to think that most of us think according to this statement. Ignorance is bliss after all. Suddenly, this common phrase appears to my mind very frequently nowadays. We, the ignorant beings, are happy, but behind those happiness, there exists foul and corrupted situations that we choose to forget about. When will this delusion end?
When?
When?
When?

This questions, by the way, has been bugging me all this time. It is the fundamental question of human existence which answer probably lies beyond my understanding. However, just like a mathematical graph approaches an asymptote, I'm helplessly striving for that asymptote, that limit too. Ironical, isn't it? that I who is disgusted by hope, have hopes to reach the unreachable. It's just human...