What's the point?

That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.

I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.

I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.

I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.

What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?

As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden

It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.

Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.

Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.

Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!

Still....

Still... If things are so futile and temporary, why bother?
Still... I am waiting for someone who shares the same thoughts as me.
Still... I'm tired of hearing "I do not want to think anymore".
Still... I'm lonely.
Still... Ignorance is all around.

Now that I have much less distractions to do work, I have problem getting the motivation to work.

In case you are wondering why I name myself the Great Pretender...
It's because I think I am seen as a pretender. Or perhaps I am, indeed, a pretender. Personally, I do not think I am a pretender, but what if I am actually a pretender, who is pretending to myself that I am not pretender? Complicated, huh?

Let's see... today... is just one of those ordinary days.
No bombs. No gunshots. No assassinations. Not around me at least.
Perhaps, a bomb exploded somewhere as I type out this post.
Well, it has nothing to do with me or this post, actually...

Seriously, why is nothing happening? I kinda wish that I am fighting in a war, you know! At least true friendships can be made during such time.

This post is disjointed, don't you think?

Dun feel like doing it....

Sigh...
As you may have already guessed, I dun feel like doing what i should be doing. It is a very irresponsible thing to do but I just dun feel like doing anything at all. Oh, and by the way, 'it' refers to mostly school and all their academic works. Bah...

Here I am hiding away in a classroom when I should be going for a school function. Why? Because I dun feel like doing anything, and this is how I do nothing by pressing keyboard buttons and reading a kindly-asked-to-leave-the-school teacher's blog. It was because of his blog that he was dismissed from the school. I fancy him for being who he is. He's too smart for his own good though.

Oh, since I'm illegally hiding in an empty classroom, I'm kind of freaked out every time I hear some noise just outside the classroom. Shucks. I'm quite a paranoid, I must confess. I fear many things. Somehow, I also fear that people find out what I'm doing when I'm all alone like now. Sigh... I just want to be alone, undisturbed, for once. Oh, I'm hearing footsteps! Nope, the lady was not able to detect my presence in the seemingly empty classroom. Lucky me...

Oh, i mentioned about me being a game addict. Why do I play game? I guess it is to kill time while I'm drifting nowhere. I'm just afraid to move on. Is it? Yeah. If, if only, time can freeze anytime I want it to, things will be so much better. Still, it is not going to happen. Welcome to reality...

Maybe what I need now is 'deconditioning' from games and conditioning for something else. The fear of being discovered is still creeping me. How does being discovered become a horror to me, I wonder... Being discovered means that I'm pulled out of my own personal world, forcefully, which basically sucks. Why is it so? I just want to be left alone for a while, to have a peace.

I better get going now, even though I do not want to.
Sigh.. Living in a community is not that easy..