Moving forward

to keepmovingforward90.blogspot.com
"90" from 1990, which is the year I was born. Thanks to the person who used the 'keepmovingforward' as the blog name first...

Pretense and Denial

Pretense and Denial... they are instilled in me. Whatever thing my desire want me to do is continuously denied. Now that my desires are denied, who am I? Reason for denial? It's no good for my future. So I want to be good in the future and therefore decided to deny that desire? That's it. Because I want to have the best future possible. Which is a very crude statement. A good future is never certain. Despite these denials, I still do not know whether i can have a good future. What's the use of denial then? It does not end right after the denial! Deny it and do something else that is more fruitful. Concluded? Yes. Therefore, in conclusion, do something more useful!

Revive...

7am In the morning, and what am I doing? I could not sleep all night. Well, to tell you the truth I was playing an online game until 5am in the morning. I planned to sleep and wake up at 9am to do my Extended Essay data collection, but the plan failed. I got distracted by my long nails, and then a magazine, and then the online game that I left on. I decided, I'm not going to sleep until 9am and then I'll proceed with my EE.

Yes, it is the revival of my blog after more than a month period of silence. Reason for revival? I am tired of unreflective days. I want to break up from the trend of playing online games all day long, go to sleep, and play games again. I really want to break out of the deadly trend. Basically, it is days of hallucination and delusions.

I have been through a lot of things. I finished my exam. I survived through the days of post-exam 'activities'. I spent most of those days doing things like this. Staying awake until the next morning, and sleep all the way in my classroom. The planning for the overseas trip to Vietnam has started too. 35. 10 points away from perfection, which I can never reach if I follow this kind of screwed up lifestyle.

Makes me kinda wonder. Is there anything that I can do to open up my eyes permanently? Games are my main concern now... I'm losing myself now. I'm getting quite sleepy... However, I shall continue.

Well... pause... pause... pause... pause...

Oh, I heard a breaking news. It's not so hot, it was breaking, but I was simple enough not to heard about it. Someone in Secondary 4 was expelled because he attempted to fake a tragic story to distract his competitors. It's funny, surprising, shocking, etc etc. I mean, how can a person do such a revolutionary thing? He gets a revolutionary reason for expulsion too, of course. It's very lame... Getting expelled for a plot... He was very smart too... wasted. wasted.. wasted..

Well, it's none of my business anyway.

My brother finally got a girlfriend! After years of celibacy he finally got one. The funny thing is, he phoned me just to tell me that he officially has a girlfriend. it must be something really thrilling, I guess.

Anyway... I was watching a Japanese show. Great Teacher Onizuka. It's an awesome show, I think. Onizuka is a real man. He does not pretend to hide his true self. He says what he wants to say. A very radical, non-conformist man. He's quite inspiring, I guess. I, the Great Pretender, must learn a few things from such teacher, if he ever exists...

and I am falling asleep... Good night...

The Breaking Point+++

(snap...)

Yeah, it's the breaking point. How long has it been since I posted the last post? a few weeks, I suppose. That's because I'm back to my obsession of online games and stupid stuff like that. It turned out that I'm not that strong anyway. So, why the sudden urge to post something anyway? Erm... I guess today, or rather, yesterday was a special day. It's one of my best friends' birthday. I do not know what she might think of me at the moment, but at least I still think of her as a good childhood friend that I possibly can never forget. The other factor that leads to me accessing my blog is because I took a sip of coffee and I can not sleep now. I'm using my iPod as timer. 60 minutes of blogging and I'll go to sleep.

In a few hours time I will be having my maths test. I have a feeling that I'll screw it up. Over.
In a few hours time, I will be free from exams but will be burdened by other things. Over.
I felt clueless just a few hours ago, so that is why today is another breaking point. Clueless of what I actually want to do. Why am I doing the things that I'm currently doing? These kind of questions you know... I still do not know the answers to these questions, but anyway...
Oh, and I have a feeling that I am a failure in every aspects. I always thought that I have some academic capabilities, but the results of this examination will obviously prove it to be wrong. Worse still, I am a failure as a social being. I do not make friends easily and I do not particularly attract others as I do not have outstanding qualities like others do. So, this unwanted being is mourning over his failure in everything.

Those thoughts arise from the fact that my roommates for next year is still undecided, and my friends seem to... avoid me. Like he does not want me to be his roommate. He did not even ask me. It hurts me a lot cos I thought he is the only friend I have, and it turned out that he favours a certain people more than me. Makes me feel more and more unwanted. Unwanted. Unwanted. UNWANTED!!!! Sigh... Might as well die now and not a thing will change. I always have this thought in a small corner of my mind. "Might as well die now". The resolve to that is clear. Make yourself useful and get wanted. Counter argument: Till when?

Go to sleep and forget about all these, be born anew when you wake up.
Hahahahahahahahah <---- The conspirator's laugh...

Give Up

The title tells everything...
Let me die...

Oh, do not worry, you'll still see me tomorrow simply because this guy does not even have the guts to do anything reckless.

What's the point?

That is the question.
What is the point of spending a few minutes of your life in this blog that is almost non-existent.
At this rate, I'll be dead as no one. I do not mind that, to tell you the truth. However, the process of dying as no one is so damn painful. Ever imagined how it feels like when you wear an invisibility cloak? That's how I generally feel anywhere I go.

I do not blame them though, for I, too, can not see them.

I am invisible, and I'm blind, not literally of course. It seems that i do not give enough damn to others around me, thus I do not 'see' them often. In other words, I'm usually insensitive towards others. I'm not sure about this actually, but I think it is true. I'm sorry, that's the way I am.

I have a confession to make. I'm self centered, and I want to do things by myself most of the time. You may wonder why I sweat myself out so much, while I can get help from others anyway? The answer is, I want to live a satisfying life, for myself, that is. What do you gain from getting help from others all the time? The satisfaction of doing the things my own is so... satisfying. Moreover, I do not trust other human beings that well. I'm bad at trusting others, thanks to my past experience, I think. So... bah... that's what I am. A coward, a pretender, and a loner. Perfect traits for the failures in human societies, right? Perhaps, I'm one of those failures, it's just that my pretence has deceived not only others but myself. From the tone of this post, you can see that I'm so totally dooooooown.

What triggers this is actually the feeling that I'm invisible entity that does not exist but exists at the same time. Comment-less blog... What's the point?

As I write this complain letter to no one, I'm listening to my all time favourite song...
"Lemon Tree"
by the Fool's Garden

It's so nice, so nostalgic that i can remember any part of the song. The guy sings about his loneliness. "Isolation... is not good for me. Isolation... I don't want to sit on a lemon tree", is one part of the song. Loneliness, people. It can kill you. Boredom, too. These two are the agents that always persuade me to end this misery once and for all. hope is the thing that prevents me from doing so.

Speaking about hope... I remember about the mechanism of hope that i posted before. It's so good, but it can be bad.

Anyway, i have to end this letter of complain.

Hail to me, the coward, the pretender, the loner, and the anti-social!!!!

"Some guys have all the luck..."

This is just one of my favourite song, sung by Rod Stewart. I find the lyrics quite striking and true... here goes...

Chorus:
Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain

Alone in a crowd on a bus after work
And I'm dreaming
The guy next to me has a girl in his arms
My arms are empty
How does it feel when the girl next to you
Says she loves you
It seem so unfair when there's love everywhere
But there's none for me

(chorus)

Someone to take on a walk by the lake
Lord let it be me
Someone who's shy
Someone who'll cry at sad movies
I know I would die if I ever found out
She was fooling me
You're just a dream and as real as it seems
I ain't that lucky

(chorus)

All of my friends have a ring on their finger
They have someone
Someone to care for them it ain't fair
I got no one
The car overheated
I called up and pleaded
There's help on the way
I called you collect you didn't accept
You had nothing to say

(chorus)

But if you were here with me
Id feel so happy I could cry
You are so dear to me
I just cant let you say goodbye

Yeah, i find the lyrics quite true, and me being the unlucky one. There's no use complaining, but complaining for a bit gives you a sense of relieve. So, I'm complaining...